you are BEAUTIFUL just the way you are

the ultimate test of my faith/ im so tired already.

2010-05-07T00:17:00.003+08:00

received my posting for my first rotation at CGH after orientation. MS outpatient! hais. the very thing i was dreading. the very area i fear the most. my weakest point.but i got to tell myself God has a plan for letting this happen. i just got to trust and let God do His work i guess. He will remain faithful as He has always been. He will deliver me. i got to believe in that or else i'll just die the next 6 months. it's definitely gg to be a trying period for me.
i want to work hard. Dont wish to let the pple who believe in me down. yet im not confident i can achieve that.it's just rrly rrly hard. But i thank God for sending me a good mentor. Help me Lord!

note to self: never do anything and expect something in return. i will not because i know i will not get it. but i know that i will continue to do what i have been doing till i run out of my means. because of love and hope, that one day it will be reciprocated back to me.

feel empty inside of me, an unexplained feeling of sadness . cant pin point the emotion now, dun know how to verbalise it to anyone. i'll just sleep away everything.

A New Chapter Begins!

2010-05-02T23:45:00.003+08:00

tomorrow is the day my life will change.
The day i step into the work force.
And the start of the rest of my life, where i'll need to grow up and mature.
Terrified beyond measure of what lies ahead, yet comforted by the fact that i have so many loved ones rooting for me;
My family, my beloved dear, my best friend and God(of course)
The road ahead will definitely be long, tiring and full of obstacles, but as long as i know i can come home to feel loved by them, i will be comforted by that.

My dear, im looking to you for support, please dont leave me.
I miss you so much every week! Happy 10th month to us! I Love You!

the love of my life/ my 22nd Birthday/ Happy Birthday Daddy!

2010-04-23T12:28:00.012+08:00

i had a very beautiful birthday celebration this year albeit it was a quiet one as compared to the huge one last year for my 21st. BUT nonetheless, it was awesome in so many ways.

Dined at Gyu Ka-Ku Japanese BBQ Restaurant on the weekend before my birthday with my beloved. indulged in rrly GOOD food man, but you spent a bomb that day and i felt so bad! thank you for taking the effort to look for places to eat and for making reservations and everything. I really appreciated the effort from you.

Had the surprise of my LIFE when you popped up in my room at 0000hrs on my birthday! I rrly wonder how did i not hear the gate opening, how you liased with my brother, how you managed to get the cake and the present when you had to attend some dinner in camp till quite late. You rrly amaze me! and ONCE AGAIN a very big THANK YOU to you!!

And finally had dinner with my family and you came along as well, although i know your heart will be in your throat the entire time . Thank YOU for doing it for me.

To my parents: no amount of thank-yous can thank you enough for raising me for 22 years; for putting in so much effort in nurturing me/us, making sure I/we got the best education, moulding our family into what it is today. At times though our views may differ but i've come to realise it was all for my/our own good. I'm grateful for the closeness we share as a family and i hope that we'll continue to stay this way even as all of us grow up.
Oh yes and HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY! :):):)

My dear, thank you for sticking by me through this past year. it hasnt been easy. but you tolerated me and you compromised. we have our differences and i hope that we'll always be able to work through them and find a solution. And i hope that you'll continue to forgive me for my mistakes and shortcomings that i may have, because im not perfect. No one is. Only through this can we survive. I LOVE YOU MY DEAR!

my time in the mountains/Chiangrai YEP!

2010-04-18T22:23:00.005+08:00

i've been back from my overseas expedition trip about half a month ago. I must say im glad i din back out at the eleventh hour, because it was one of D-best trips i've gone for. we were living up in the mountains for almost 2 weeks, battling the gusty winds(at night especially), screaming at insects/bees/ ants/ grasshoppers/spiders in our room/ toilet/ bed and what have you. i have to admit im a highly pampered girl, and this is very new to me. so yea my boyfriend i know you've been thru worse haha (I LOVE YOU). our mode of transport was either by lorry or by foot. BUT the best part of the whole trip was rrly seeing the smiles and the laughter of the children/ teachers/ locals, it's priceless and it's so pure.these people have no hidden agendas whatsoever. through their actions, they taught me and im sure all of us as well, the simplicity of how life should be. we are all too often caught up with the materials in life we forget how to take a step back to evaluate our lives. we chase for perfection, to be the best and all, but at the end of our lives how many people have we helped/ touched/ took the time to care for them.

All of us who went on this trip are going to-be healthcare professionals, and i hope we all remember that all our patients need our love and care for them. i hope we'll rmb to use our hearts to treat our patients and give them our undivided attention, cos they need and deserve it.

Personal dedication: to the 16 people i spent up in the mountains with in a foreign land, it was an awesome AWESOME experience. we were different individuals brought together with a common purpose when we signed up for the trip, but we went away with friendships forged and memories! You guys are a great bunch of crazy people! i miss you all man!

when we started on this trip, some of us were homesick (i know i definitely was); the thought tht was running through my head was 'oh god we're only day 2,so many more days before we can head down to the city'..and i was counting down the days man! but towards the end everyone was relunctant to leave. the locals teared when we were leaving, but i felt that while we were there we only made things difficult for them when they had to help us with so many logistics as well. so i felt bad for imposing so much on them, yet they were so thankful to us. their actions rrly touched me, their hospitality is incredible.

Maybe one day, wen i just wan to escape this hustle and bustle of our country, i'll head there to teach english. they are so eager to learn. they are lovely kids!One day, one day...

Youth Expedition Project/ Chiangrai

2010-03-16T22:35:00.003+08:00

tomorrow i'll be leaving for Chiangrai with the school for our youth expedition project.
it's been the most nerve-wrecking trip i've ever gone for.
the political situation is so uncertain; anytime it can just escalate and marshall law could kick in, which by then we would be in serious danger of the international airport being shut down. and even from now till tmr, there's still a possibility the trip could still be cancelled if the situation in bangkok changes.
its been so unpredictable. even in the last few days leading up to the trip we werent even sure if it was still on.

some part of me doesnt want to go anymore. the initial hype and excitement abt experiencing something new has died down. the thought of being away from my family and you for so long is killing me. and what's more, im gg to have to do my own laundry, deal with the uncertain terrain over there. today they warned us abt the mosquitoes being rrly big over there. i rrly duno how it's gg to be like; just preparing for the worse. oh wells, guess it's time to be independent.

i know you are very worried abt me surviving out there, im very worried myself too. i've never been put in such a situation and in such circumstances before. have faith in me okay, pray for me. i love you dear.

we close a chapter in our lives/ goodbye to our times in NYP

2010-02-28T15:29:00.005+08:00

well i've been wanting to write this post since exams ended on thurs, but it's been a fountain of emotions, and words just cant seem to put it all together.

but here goes.

exams ended, and its rrly ended for good this time round before i decide to further my studies, because thursday was OFFICIALLY my last day in NYP. my goodness how time flies rrly. all of us have changed so much over these last 3 years. we've grown to become finer individuals, sharpened at the edges, toughened up through all the emotional roller coaster rides we've been on. we definitely became emotionally stronger; wad we used to be so affected by, now we begin to see differently (in a different light), to value the more important things in life. through this course, it rrly threw us into the deepest pits in our lives where we thought to ourselves lets just leave this course altogether cos there's no way we're gonna make it out of the dumps. life was always rosy and relatively smooth sailing up till this point when we entered Physiotherapy. we were faced with our deepest fears, thrown into the ocean and left to find our way to shore by ourselves.

let me recount how life was like the last 2 months:
staying back till very late in school almost every day to have project discussions ( which were never ending)
we had assignments due which required extensive searches of literature reviews to the depths of the earth
practical exam
FYP touch-ups before the finale presentation, after which had to consolidate everything; finishing thre report, going for viva and stuff
final exam preparations in the midst of CNY cum assignment due the day before the first paper
basically it was a life that had 'no day and no night' literally.

at tht time, i rrly felt like everything was so overwhelming seriously. there wasnt any light at the end of the tunnel. it's amazing when you think abt the something tht u never thought you could accomplish and then when u do, you rly surprise yourself. and tht's how it's been like for me these 3 years. everytime i tot to myself, how am i gg to get thru this, it always turns out fine but not before slogging my guts out. all of us are destined for great things, we underestimate our capabilities alot of the times.

at the end of the day, i noe despite all the difficulties this course brings i had a good hell of a time in this dreadful place; NYP. it's a terrible place to study. but it was also a place, i met so many great pple. my future colleagues-to-be. great friends, confidantes. i noe jolly well that i would not have been able to plough through all the shit above if not for this group of crazy people, whom i shared all the laughter with. who rrly have been my blessing. God's blessing to me. standing here at the footstep of another new journey that is about to begin, i noe that all this while God has been working in my life and His works have shone so brightly all these years. i prayed for Him to show me His purpose for my life, and He has been so faithful in delivering, in taking care of everything. He knew how tough this course was gg to be, and so He surrounded me with amazing pple to make everything alittle easier, to help me get thru this. i know words can never truly expressed the extent of how great my class has been, and how grateful i am for God's work in my life. everything was rrly planned properly.

all in all, we r one of the best batches that have walked the halls of NYP and our lecturers can attest to that. and it's not entirely in terms of academic but in terms of our cohesiveness, how great a joy the lecturers had in teaching us.

though we complain about all the workload and stuff, but after the last paper of Geron ended, i suddenly felt like there was a missing piece in my life alr. i asked myself 'now what'? parting, and gg our own seperate ways, with these wonderful pple is the saddest part of all. never thought it'd be this hard. looking at fotos on FB never fails to work my tear glands. im rrly going to miss EVERYTHING! EVERYONE! i have no regrets coming to NYP, taking this course and going on this un-orthodox route of not gg overseas to uni, because you guys showed me that it was all worth the journey and the ride. i would never have exchanged this for something else. all these memories will be with me always, and it'll be someting i'll always cling on to when when im down and out.

to have found you in the midst of my messy life is something i treasure dearly as well. i love you dear! you've made my life so much rosier.

Brand New Year, 2010!

2010-01-04T21:35:00.003+08:00

it's been a gazillion years since i last blogged! been really caught up with school work and stuff.

but just to wrap up how 2009 was...i think it was one of the BEST years of my life. like literally! though at the same time i'd say it was one of the TOUGHEST one as well. went thru so many WARS..we thought to ourselves so many times how we'd make it thru and that we're doomed for sure, everything was just a crazy whirl. from the insurmountable number of project date- dues to the immensely difficult practicals we had to go thru before we could go on our non-stop-absolutely exhausting-unrelentless bombardment of 3 back to back clinical attachments. and on top of all this, off the record, there was the dreadful FYP that we had to make sure we still see to it as it was so easy to neglect it while we were so busy with our clinical work as well as examinations preparations. so many emotional break-downs, bucketloads of tears were shed--we really stretched ourselves to the limits (A levels doesnt even come close to the stress levels this course brings!). BUT through it all, it brought out the best in all of us, our friendships were strengthened. I grew close to pple i never were close to for the past 3 years, but because of circumstances or wadever it was, it really brought our class closer together. i know i've said this a million times but i really have the best classmates ever (thanks be to God man! Hallelujah); there's rrly no doubt abt this man. our last major proj (Hydrotherapy in Pulmonary Rehab) as a class before we breaked for the X'mas and new year hols, our lecturer said to us " of all the years she's been lecturing, we are the best group she's taken so far. she's never enjoyed herself so much in lesson".
PT2: you guys rrly rock my world! really dont know how i'd have survived these 3 years without you all. it hasnt been easy, but we've come so far. final lap yea!

and not forgetting getting to know you my dear. 2 years in the same team, you never spoke to me, but im glad you took tht step of faith/ courage. we've not been tgt for years or anything yet, but i can safely say that we've been thru quite alot of ups and downs partly because of the demands of my course that brought us on an emotional roller coaster at times. thanks for standing by me all this while, for being so tolerant and supportive through everything. it's v hard for pple outside our course to understand alot of things we go thru, i rrly appreciate you. i know it's not been easy on you. cheers to us in the coming year okay! i love you!

it's going to be hell of a year 2010. today's day 1 back in sch and we can feel the pressure is on alrdy. jiayou my friends. just 2 more months!!

God bless all.

end of clinicals! thank you God for your Grace.

2009-11-21T20:40:00.004+08:00

clinicals have officially ended. the past few weeks have been really really busy with the weekdays swarmed with work and by the time im home im rrly just drained but there's still reading up to do. and weekends r occupied with trgs plus spending time with my dearest if he gets to book out. and not forgetting with my family as well.

at the end of these attachments, it's been a great journey. really been thru alot of ups and downs these past 3 years of clinicals; many a times forced me to face my inner fears and face up to criticisms told to me straight in my face. it stripped me to the core of my very being but it's strengthened and moulded me to become a better and stronger persion. i've learnt so much about myself through all these experiences and im rrly grateful to all my clinicians and clinical partners who have thought me so much, and brought me endless joy and laughter everyday. you guys made the journey so much more endearing. thank you for being a part of my learning journey.

CE1: alone at Gleneagles Hospital
CE2a: Bright Vision Hospital (with joyce)- well i din rrly noe you then, but learnt alot from you though. and now, im just glad we've grown closer this year. you r a great person, with a unique sense of humour tht never fails to crack all of us up in class.
CE2B: Changi General Hospital (with Mei Ping)- never a dull moment with you; your never ending 'supply' of farts esp in the morning. but thank you for helping me thru MS. you r one nut case! but a very special girl indeed.
CE2C: Tan Tock Seng (with dudu and trish)- probably one of my best placement was with you girls! gosh! dudu i miss your bright and cheery self every morning, i never fail to draw strength from it esp when im rrly dead tired coming to work. i miss your sunshine!! and tricia! omg...you are just eccentric and i enjoy going crazy with you everyday. you never fail to crack me up on a daily basis. you r the best!
CE3a: Changi General Hospital (with Hui Cheung)- i have no comments, and my dear friends, you guys shud noe why yea.
CE3B: Tan Tock Seng (with bernice and jocey)- definitely had fun! bernice, i found out abt your unique talent in imitating people. seriously you r damn good! and we have the same birthday! i still cant get over the fact you noe! and jocey, you r always the calm one. the one with great insight. had an interesting last week with you guys where we each saw like 5 patients in the morning, and when it was only 10 plus 11, we were so so tired from rushing around seeing patients and documenting. like when is lunch going to come! HAHA. plus we were also rushing our inservice, with barely enough sleep everyday. but we made it thru! gosh!
CE3C: Singapore General Hospital (with Bernice, Huey yen and Hui Chueng)- it was an honour to have the opportunity to work with bernice again. and thru these 5 wks i rrly got to noe huey yen in ways i never imagined we could. it's like for the past 3 years, we hardly rrly interacted and toked, and it only took 5 weeks to bring us tgt and to build such a great friendship tgt. i learnt alot from you girl, and thanks for opening up so much to me. i had alot of fun with you and probably another one of my best attachement was here.

i've rly learnt so much, alot of which i could not have learnt it in school. though im looking forward to heading back to school because im just rrly drained from 3 consecutive clinicals and i need a break, but it's only thru seeing patients tht it rrly strengthened and compounded how much i rrly want to be in this line of work, to be in a position with the privilege to help others. the sense of satisfaction and fulfilment when my patients improve, when they shake my hand, when their family members tell me thank you with such earnesty, it makes everything worth. all the hard work we've been thru these past 3 years, every set back, it is and will be worth it. we study with a purpose, and tht is not to just excel, do well and graduate with a great GPA but more importantly, to allow ourselves to be empowered with knowledge and skills to be able to help our patients.
and it's rrly in line with wad God has commanded us to do. the daily devotions have been about how God wants us to grow in servanthood.
John Wesley was an incredible servant of God. His motto was:
"Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as you ever can."

i wanna go back to school as well cos i rrly miss all my classmates. being in the lecture room tgt, and in caryn's words " to be able to snack, laugh and chill". but it's not going to be easy this sem, with the load of fyp on our shoulders plus all the specialisation modules. but we'll make it thru i noe cos i have the best classmates ever.

to my dear, i rrly miss you. thank you for being in my life and being a part of me. you have my love always. looking forward to seeing you real soon!

thank you God for everything in my life. for all the love tht you've showered on me. your grace is sufficient and your power is made perfect in my weakness. all glory and honour to you alone. thank you for guiding me thru the down and dark times during my clinicals by sending people into my life to help me along the way. help me to never loose sight of your purpose and will for my life. Amen.

i will always love you!

2009-10-07T21:40:00.002+08:00

omg...im struggling to grappling with the fact that you are gg to enlist tmr. it's just too soon, too quick. or maybe i've just been avoiding the tot of it...but alas! it's here, and i cant bear to be away from you for so long!
the past few months & weeks i've been telling myself, wad's so difficult abt it; you'll be away for only a few weeks, but now when faced with reality, it's so so hard to let go of so many things.

everything tht we've shared/ gone through be it during happy or down times, i've cherished them. they are etched deeply in my mind..cos all have actually worked towards bringing us closer together as we learned and understood each other more. accepting all the flaws and idiosyncrasies tht each of us may have. looking back, though sometimes we quarrelled and there seemed no end to it with no solution, but those were good experiences as it moulded & strengthened our love and faith for each other. definitely i would never ever wanna exchange all tht i've experienced with you. they are precious memories tht i'd never trade it for anything in the world.

you've done so much for me these past few months. showered me with so much love tht i'd never tot i'd have the priviledge to experience. thank you for changing so much for me and for being so patient with me. thank you always for reassuring me during my moments of self-doubt and believing in me. thank you for giving me tht sense of security in all your actions. i've given you my heart and im rrly aiming for the long haul. your presence in my life has kept me grounded, and i began to see things in a different light after knowing you; your maturity never ceases to amaze me and im glad i have you to guide and advise me when i nid it the most.

we will survive this okay! it's just an obstacle we nid to overcome. im sure before we knoe it, 2 years will fly by and i'll hear u telling me how much u miss army life haha.

i hope u enjoyed STOMP last night cos i rrly did and im glad we managed to catch it tgt.

by hook or by crook i'll make sure im well enough to go send you tmr. otherwise im gg to be real sad..my dear,let me go okay if im better.

thank you shi min for all tht you've done so tht we may have wad we have today. i love you best friend!!

in God's hands

2009-09-22T22:44:00.004+08:00

clinical hasnt been going the way i'd wanted it to. maybe because i have higher expectations for myself. CP is smth i wanna do better in...but it just doesnt seem so for me this time round. i've been trying, but things just dun seem to be going my way. maybe im not trying hard enough. i have only a few days left to impress pradha. i rrly duno how.
i wanna do well. i know i can do it. im gg to have to pray harder for God's favour and to work harder to brush up my knowledge further. it's smth within my grasp, i rrly nid to grab hold of it before it's too late.

boyfriend's enlisting in abt 15 days. going to miss him...but we'll survive this. absence makes the heart grow fonder. thank you for your love.

BOYFRIEND is COMING HOME.. tomorrow!!!

2009-08-29T22:32:00.005+08:00

and exams ended on Wednesday. CP and MS were so freaking difficult! like seriously! im so prepared to tke supplementary paper alrdy. damn sian. we rrly mugged like crazy but in the end the papers were still so crappy. heartbreaking. why is studying so painful for us?

we kinda finished up our fyp implementation phase on friday; a full one week of it during our study break in june, therafter coming back for 5 saturdays in a row during our clinical 3A to do more testings, and last thurs and friday we wrapped it up. it's been rrly a long drawn process. coming back on saturdays when it's supposed to be our sleeping day..sucked to the MAX! so we were finally able to shift all the equipment from the BodyWatch Gym to our lab. but this marks the end of the first part of our project only. there's still collation of results, analysis, the much dreaded PRESENTATIONS, poster designing etc...it never ends.

monday. attachment begins once again. will be at ttsh doing ICU. another 5 weeks. another round. another cycle. gonna have to survive through it. pass it and not fail. God please help us. good thing boyfriend will not be in army yet...but he'll be in by the time i go for my third and final block of attachments. sighzzzzzz.

best friend: i will be here for you. through everything. through thick and thin. through it all. im just a phone call away.

to joyce: all the best in Hong Kong! we all miss you here! come back in one piece okay...we'll see each other soon. take care of yourself! will definitely have a gathering when you're back! have fun there as well yea! =D

and boyfriend's coming back tmr from Thailand! yay!
missed him man! cant wait for his return! i love you!! :)

God bless us all.

please God help us.

2009-08-20T14:38:00.001+08:00

it's a race against time to finish studying! 4 more days till CP paper on monday, followed by MS on tue and AP on wed! absolutely insane! but no choice...by hook or by crook we got to make it through.

By Your Grace, everything will be alright.

after exams, there will be a few days to tke a breather, before the next round of Clinicals start on the monday again...ahhh it's just a never-ending cycle.

Lord, all i need is You.

2009-08-10T12:05:00.002+08:00

inching into the last week of clinicals already. the past four weeks just flew by, there were ups and downs definitely...but with God's grace i made it through. week 5 is going to be a trying week...in-service presentation coming up, paeds assignment due soon and exam revisions pending to be done. when this week ends, it's going to be a race against time to finish studying for exams. im going to need a miracle/ an extra brain/ and 48 hrs a day to complete everything!

anw, despite all the stress and struggles, im grateful for the many things in my life; my family, my friends, good clinical educators, God and you. im thankful for everything.

also CONGRATULATIONS mum on being one of the recipients of the National Day Awards this year. her name's mentioned in today's Home section (B8) under the Ministry of Home affairs. all these years of hardwork, it's finally paid off. it's amazing how God worked and cleared the path for you all this while to allow you to be where you are today. indeed God's great purpose and plan for you. You've been my mother, our friend, role model. i love you MUMMY!! :)

Living on a Prayer

2009-07-03T04:28:00.002+08:00

yes and so we had an extra week of so-called holiday...but it's like friday already and i feel like i havent completed much revision. so much time and energy spent on projects! they're driving me up the wall!! rrly cant find the time to study in peace. i have so much more to cover in like 3 days? before school starts, which signals the start of HELL week.

im starting to worry abt MS and CP practicals...i dun wanna fail any of them! it's just so scary how close they are and i dun feel im ready for any of them.

grandma's in hospital. it's been one week alrdy. i rrly hope she gets better to come home soon..realise i miss her nagging ALOT and someone always asking wad time i'll be back and all. maybe i've taken her for granted for too long and God's trying to tell me smth. past week has been a trying one for my family with my dad being quarantined as well. but we made it thru, and it probably has brot our family closer, esp my mum and grandma..and i believe God has a purpose for everything.

next week will be over in a flash...we'll make it through (i hope).

God help us.

God will lead us through it all.

2009-06-17T12:16:00.002+08:00

finally it's our study break! but it's only 2 weeks...and there's so much to do! i have reached a point where i dun even know where i should start and what i should do.

FYP is absolutely driving me up the wall. there's paeds presentation, applied physiology lab report, ms pract, cp pract, viva defense proposal, psych ICA! everything will just come crashing down on us aft these 2 weeks..so pressed for time. oh yes and we are aiming to start conducting our exercise testing for FYP! it seems to impossible unless we have 72 hours in a day! but we have to! otherwise when clinicals start it's gonna be much worse. this is not even mentioning right after clinicals will be our semestral exams! i dun even know how im gonna find the time to study during clinicals.

seriously year 3 is CRAZY! sometimes i just wanna get all these over and done with it and GRADUATE. but i know i'll miss school life when i start working. so yea...no matter how tough the going gets we must live in the moment and still find time to enjoy the company of each other yea. we are all in this together! thanks for being such amazing classmates! :)

the finishing line

2009-04-29T18:37:00.003+08:00

it's only week 2 and i feel so drained. so tired. and so exhausted most of the time. school hours are so long. workload is impossible. FYP is giving us such a headache. patrick wants us to self train on days we dun have training..really starting to think abt how much longer i can stay in DB.

how am i going to do this. thinking abt the things tht r waiting to be done is enough to make my heart race with panic.

and truth be told every morning i wake up and there's just this sinking feeling of everything. and in class i feel so lost..lessons are never-ending with no breaks in between. i cant breathe. and i cant get out of this.

but i noe tht no matter wad i will nid to get thru this. and i WILL get through all these. no matter what.

promised best friend i'll try to keep all the distractions at bay. im definitely trying to put all the emotional distractions away. i rrly need to focus because there's no turning back. i've come so far!

ONE MORE YEAR FRIENDS! ONE MORE YEAR!

God bless!

i've been touched by ANGELS!

2009-04-19T17:01:00.004+08:00

thank you so much my dear Dear friends for all tht you did for me for my birthday party on friday.

the video showing really touched me deeply. more than words can describe how i feel and more than any amount of money or expensive presents i cud ever receive. it is truly priceless to me. thank you for the hard work, the effort, the time to get the video done on time and making sure all went well. thank you for all the LOVE and LAUGHTER..you all are the most beautiful people my eyes. Exquisite gifts from God to me; my angles- my time in NYP has rrly been so much better with all of you!
to my DB mates: we've rrly been thru sweat and tears together. One more year! make it count yea! and i've realised my life wud be so empty without DB. you girls absolutely rock my world!
to my fellow physios-to-be: tmr we'll be starting year 3. i forsee the hell we'll be going thru. there will be tears and there will be times some of us (definitely me) will start second guessing ourselves if we can make it. but we must be there for each other! to encourage and motivate! lets get thru all these and graduate tgt in 1 year! final charge okay! i love you all, once again, so much!

special thanks to jac for decorating the dining room, being the emcee and bringing everyone tgt. and to best friend: thank you rrly for the late nights when you were rushing thru everything. and to emilie: thank you for coming down. i've missed you!!

i feel that my birthday celebration kinda came at a good time before sch starts. it reminded me once again how blessed im that i have you guys in my life now, be it in DB or in physio, it's very comforting and it resonated even more loudly how God has been working in my life. and i'll start school with the confidence that God is with me and whatever im going to go thru He will see me thru it. He will be my guide thru everything. i must not despair. so please friends, hold me accountable to this okay!

jeMXPH-dave-cindy: even though we've left JC im so glad we're still keeping in touch and meeting up as much as we can. for you are pple who made my JC life so much more memorable. it was definitely one of the best years in my life..and a turning point for me in my life. i had so much fun! i rrly tke my hat off to you guys for remembering the funny things tht happened during our 2 years tgt. but i definitely rmb how much we laughed (and cried). thank you for sticking by me all these while. although we may not have had been from one of the best schs..but i have no regrets yea! cos you guys made it all worthwhile! cheers to our friendship!

genevieve: im sorry you din stay long. but thank you for coming! 9 years my dear friend! i love you so much! God bless you sister! :)

ah gua has touched me alot and im just thankful for all you did.

Take care all of you! God bless you all abundantly! :)

Let Your will be done one earth as it is in Heaven.

2009-04-12T22:36:00.004+08:00

inching closer and closer to the start of school! just one more week of holidays left!

feel like there's still so much i wanna do. so many things left to do. but no time!

starting year 3 real soon..
on one hand i want to just start school and race all the way to the finish line and get out of NYP

but on the other hand im gonna be leaving behind fond beautiful memories, parting with my friends wud be the most painful (i cant say enuf how important they r to me and they've helped me thru so much!), and im going to be out in the working world where im forced out of my comfort zone, and into a world where politics dominate it in one way or the other. it will mean no more lectures, practical lessons tgt, going crazy tgt..will i change as a person?
and scarily one year from now i'll be at the crossroads of my life. deciding my future.

so, God i pray tht by your grace help us thru this tough year ahead as it's definitely not going to be easy. i pray that no matter wad we'll trust in You always; during down times help us to never loose faith and to believe with all our hearts that you have a plan for us. Help us Lord.

i duno if it's gonna work out. but i feel like tking a chance. tking a gamble at this. but im praying harder then ever for guidance to do the right thing.

have a good week my friends! enjoy it while it last cos there's no turning back already once school starts! see yall on friday!! =) God Bless!

i am blessed beyond measure!

2009-03-31T02:56:00.010+08:00

okay im finally going to blog abt clinicals. din have much time to do it right after the 5 wks ended; was busy packing for the vietnam trip.

anw clinicals overall i wud say it went satisfactory well.

recounting how it went; we started our first week with ZERO confidence in seeing patients and approaching them. we slowly picked up in terms of knowlege and confidence, only to be dashed by lay yen's visit. it took me awhile to get over it and to get over myself, and to re-start climbing up the ladder again.

it helped so much tht we had such a wonderful clinician; ever so patient and always willing to teach us and give us a morale booster when we were feeling down and out.

i was rrly glad our presentations when pretty well. i was personally just EXTREMELY happy tht Bala actually liked mine..when he told me tht i wanted to just cry tears of joy in front of him and it rrly din matter to me how the rest of the team felt. it felt good tht all the hard work actually paid off; the sleepless nights with 2-3 hours of sleep for a few days in a row. we were like walking zombies roaming the wards treating patients.
BUT by God's grace we made it thru.

most importantly i wanna thank the wonderful Tricia and Durriah i did clinicals with. without them i wudnt have survived. thank you girls for looking out for me and hafing my back throughout this placement. thank you for the joy and laughter you brought me. you both made it so much easier to get thru. i must say it's been my best placement thus far..and i wudnt trade it for the world. once again thank you SUNSHINES!!

ttsh is rrly a great place to work.

for all the above i thank God for everything
on the flight back to spore i broke down because the thought of the future scared the wits out of me; best friend's gonna fly off to aussie aft we graduate but the uncertainty of my future was/is just killing me. and it's times like these i loose sight of God's purpose for me even though time and time again He has revealed to me how He has been working in my life and preparing the way.
and indeed this placement has sealed in me and made me truly realise this is smth i want to do; i told dudu on the last week tht i think i want to be a physio (and she was like DUH haha). but it's because up till den it sure didnt feel like it..i absolutely din enjoy my outpatient placement where i spent almost everyday doubting myself and i think i probably sank into abit of depression during tht time.
best friend's right; this placement has definitely served its purpose. "not everything has to be results based but it's how the heart feels". she realised how much happier i was during the placement and saw the difference in me. i often feel she knows me better then i know myself. and im so glad to haf her in my life; she too played a huge part in getting me thru this clinicals- giving me wake up calls in the middle of the night when i 'accidentally' fell asleep (i rrly rrly appreciate tht), always rdy to encourage me and to give me the extra push to help me get thru the day, praying for me and simply being my rock. i can only hope tt i was able to help you as much as you had helped me during the clinicals.
(random tot: i rrly hope you get married fers so that i can be your bridesmaid!!! )

the most beautiful gift from God; MY BEST FRIEND! :)

and it's 4.15am now....got to wake up early to play piano ltr , i rrly hope i can! :)

BACK FROM VIETNAM!!!

2009-03-27T14:51:00.005+08:00

touched down at 1am this morning. it's sorta nice to be back in spore..everything is in order; traffic isnt crazy, air quality is good, i have my comfy bed, everything is just more peaceful. i am in my room typing this entry with the trees swaying to the wind outside my window....

BUT dun get me wrong! this trip has been nothing but GREAT! in spite of all the mess and dirt and poverty (tht is so disturbing) the company was just plain fantastic. wonderful bunch of people. made new friends. it was great.

so we stayed in Hanoi for one night before taking a 9 hour train to Sapa. i loved the train..it was a four bed to one cabin kinda thing and since there were 9 of us one of us wud have to sleep seperately in a different cabin. but the guys were so nice to accomodate 5 pple in theirs..so one of them slept on the floor haha. the train was so Harry Potter-ish :)

Sapa is up in the mountains so basically it's inhabited by mostly the ethnic minority groups. being there just opened my eyes to so many things. it brought me first hand up close to how poverty is like. hafing small kids come up to you begging with torn and tattered and dirty clothes it's just so unfair to them. the part tht was even more sad (to me) were the old pple who were so desperate to sell the things they'd made so tht they cud afford to at least buy smth to eat. literally living from hand to mouth; it rrly broke my heart. these pple walk up and down hills the whole day (and rrly literally till 11 plus in the night) to make a living...life is just so hard for them.

it just makes me so ashamed of how we complain of our lives when we rrly do have everything. when we ventured into the villages seeing some of the kids running around playing in the fields and climbing the sides of the hills they look so innocent and happy. and some of the folk sitting tgt making their fabric and laughing away it's so amazing how pple can make the best of their situation to be happy in spite of everything. wad more us? im glad i came on this trip it rrly brought me out of my comfort zone and definitely exposed me to the world.

the scenery was just breathtaking man! it's like looking at God's works and im left speechless and in awe of the magnificence of it...absolutely ABSOLUTELY beautiful. all the photography can NEVER capture and do justice to how it rrly is.

And i got to see terraces where farmers grow their rice; rmb we learnt this in geography in secondary sch? it suddenly all made sense..the bunds, the irrigation system, the flooding season and so on..if only i had come here when i was in sec 3 maybe i wud have done better for geog :)

Sapa's weather was rrly great esp on the last day we were there. it was rrly foggy tht day; visibility was like 20-30 metres? and when you walk thru it your hair gets wet..and it feels like it's raining but it's fine tht you dun get drenched..very nice.

Hanoi's traffic is generally crazy and the air quality is real bad. but ytd when we came back to hanoi it was cooler and less polluted..my guess was tht it rained the night before. lucky us i guess =D and im glad we managed to experience extreme gourmet on the last day..crickets definitely took the cake!

to the great pple i travelled with..just wanna tell you guys how honoured i am to have had the opportunity to travel with you guys. it was so much fun! thank you for the laughter. Cheers to our friendship and to more of such trips tgt! *qing i missed you and your laughter*

thank you God for making this trip a success. for curing Jac and making her well again. for the bringing all of us tgt. for the nice pple we met along the way during the trip esp the staff at Elegance hotel. and most importantly for keeping us safe. once again thank you God for everything. Amen.

Jesus you're all i need.

2009-03-08T20:36:00.003+08:00

tmr will mark the 4th week of my attachment; so 2 more weeks to go! (going to ICU tmr.) it's been a long and tiring past couple of weeks..the constant falling asleep with my lights all still on and then waking up and falling asleep again..i find myself so exhausted during the day. i cant sit for more then 5 mins without feeling sleep creeping up on me. but i've learnt so much during clinicals..not just in the form of knowledge, handling skills and wad not..it's also more about re-inforcing to me this is wad i want to do. seeing the smiles on my patient's faces, them thanking me after the treatment, seeing their improvement as the days go by, it's just rrly a great feeling. but ultimately there are those who become worse and even if it breaks my heart but tht's life..and we must believe we do more good then harm for them. and tht's the hope we cling on to as we go abt our work.

lay yen came over the other day for our Ax and it din go rrly well. she din have anything positive to say abt us except for the fact tht we wun fail. it rrly burst my bubble..cos we started clinicals with zero confidence in treating patients at all and we were just building ourselves up but aft she came i just feel so stripped of everything; i feel like im back to square ONE. got to climb up the ladder all over again. im so affected because i have expectations and CP is smth i wanna do well. hais why am i never good enough? maybe im just not hardworking enough plus im not even smart to begin with.

just so burdened abt clinical stuff and personal stuff. church was good today; indeed it gave me some peace and some air to breathe. really praying for strength for the week and grace and wisdom from God.

this weekend made me realise tht maybe i've crossed the line. the boundary was drawn long ago without me realising it. i shud have been more observant so tht i wudnt have had to go through the hurt, the tears and just being so affected by it. i found myself going back and forth questioning myself why..why am i so affected by it and i realise it's so simple..it's because you mean so much to me! and i foolishly let myself be drawn in, and i broke down all my barriers to find myself the only one who did so. it's gonna hurt me so much but i think im rrly just gonna dis-engage..i think it's just going to be for the better in the long run. wad a hard lesson this has been.

anw results are coming out real soon..and im rrly praying hard.

God help me through all this.

amazing grace

2009-02-23T20:25:00.002+08:00

i rrly need to finish up my research for tmr but i just got to blog about ytd!
Gen came over to my hse at abt 2.25am! it was indeed a pleasant Pleasant surprise! i've rrly missed you my dear..it's been such a long time! i rmb the days when you'd show up at my hse unexpectedly to study! and yes how we LOVED a-maths!! HAHA Good times yea! =D i pray that you'll be happy and no matter wad goes on at home..just wanna remind you tht you can always find a friend in me and im always here for you. indeed 9 years, my friend, 9 years! Praise God!!

clinicals today..not very good. i rrly got to be better and do better.

dear God, help me thru this.

gifts from God to me...my dear friends

2009-02-13T02:15:00.004+08:00

gin; sent 2/11/2009 10:42 PM:
girl be strong (: even if you are tired, dont give up. take a break and start again. even if you think why certain things are always against you, stopping you, haunting you, hurting you, just keep believing. believe you will break out of this cycle. believe you are more capable of what you are made for. believe there is always something wonderful waiting for you to discover.
gin; sent 2/11/2009 10:48 PM:
life is never smooth-sailing for everyone. some ppl may appear to hav better life than you do, but maybe they are having other problems they need to tackle too just that the things they faced are affecting different aspects of their lives. so dont despair girl... if you feel you have reached the bottom of ur life now, you know you wont fall deeper, coz now the only way is up now.
gin; sent 2/11/2009 10:50 PM:
i'm sure you will get over this tough time and become a stronger person
gin; sent 2/11/2009 10:50 PM:
jiayou girl!
gin; sent 2/11/2009 10:51 PM:
love and hugs from ME

dear girl..i cant even begin to tell you how appreciative i am for this msg you sent. thank you also for sending me sms-es at the start of every week last semester. somehow you have always managed to reach out to me and you make me realise how blessed i am with friends like you around me. i respect the way you live yur life; so down-to-earth and humble, so pure, so true, and simply a beautiful and amazing person. any guy wud b lucky to be with you..and for tht cheers to us finding our Prince Charming! Thank you once again for all tht you've done for me..love you so much my dear dear friend.

"be who u wanna be, live for wad u think is worth living for. a beautiful heart is wad matters." quoted beautifully from best friend (or wherever she quoted it from). and to you wad i wanna say is tht it's okay not to have it tgt every minute of everyday, and when you feel like crap and tht everyone else just doesnt seem to understand, i hope you will let me be there for you. through wadever it is. and dont put on a mask to cover it up. i hope you'll feel better and stop being so hard on yourself for i tell you tht you r more of a blessing to yur friends then you know you are and you cant please everyone. God bless you.

to jac: i hope you're feeling way better now and on the fast road to recovery! i think you r so brave to have gone thru it!! maybe some day it'll b my turn :( haha anw im rrly so happy yur grandma is back! God rrly works in amazing ways! praise the Lord!

to betty: never loose tht child-like faith (tht shines ever so strongly in you) for God. we must trust tht He will make all our paths straight in His timing. the pains that we share..we have to trust tht God has a purpose and it moulds us to become better and stronger people. but i know how tiring it can get sometimes. on this long Long road..thank you for wad you've done for me all this time.

tired of trying..so hard

2009-02-11T21:28:00.004+08:00

clinicals are just round the corner and pretty much most of my friends are picking up the slack and starting abit of revision.

i rrly wanna just live in my own world and not give a tot wad others are doing. are they studying hard? and this and that. i wanna do wad i want without a care abt others. when did this start to be so impossible for me to do.

i feel like crap. and i cant pin-point the exact reason why.

is it becos i've been thinking abt you. despite how great a jerk you were. omg but when things happen i think abt you. maybe i havent noticed how close we became all these years in spite of all the hurt you've caused me. i rrly wanted us to be great friends and now we arent even toking. and you havent tried to win me back. how could you! i was there when you were telling me how hard you were trying to get in touch with yur friend aft an argument but why havent you contacted me...did everything tt we went thru account for nothing? nothing at all?

is it because of my dad. i cant look him in the eye today i hope tmr will be better.

or isit because of my sis..tht today her sense of pride and self esteem was stripped away in front of her class when she was humiliated by her teacher. i've always wanted to b there to protect you but im sorry the world is such a cruel place my baby sis. im sorry you had to learn abt tht at such a young age. but i tell you fight back!

or issit because of the things tht happened of late to me?

studies?

my grandma and her health?

and then after all tht we choke back the tears, put on a smile, and portray to the world wad they want to see.

just..smile and fake it.

2009-02-08T22:04:00.004+08:00

just had dinner with family and the lady boss was toking to us. we were on the topic abt how short life is and everything. and indeed it's true..xy was just telling me the other day tht my blog entries are always so depressing and i've been asking myself why. is it worth it?
wadever happened to me since i came to poly. have i changed?

i wished there was someting i cud tke to make me forget things. things tht make my hair stand, my heart skip a beat before i feel palpitations everytime it crosses my mind. by the simplest of triggers. to me this IS a big deal becos it's NOT who i am. absolutely not. and last night while on the way home wadever happened to me just threw me off the edge AGAIN. though, yes nothing happened, but everything tht i was trying so hard to push away just came rushing back to me and once again i cudnt sleep. why am i thinking so much is becos i cant forgive myself (and it's okay if the world things im crazy and making a big fuss over nth).

im worried abt results. im scared as hell tht im gonna nid a supplementary paper. even if not, i know i wun do well and im so SO scared.

lastly, going to vietnam in march with poly friends and friend's friends..altogether it's 10 pple. hopefully it'll b good and we'll have fun.

genevieve, in spite of all tht we're going thru in our own lives, i guess everything will be alright eventually. eventually. and yes, God help me.

alot of times our happiness is just a fascade.

2009-02-03T01:28:00.005+08:00

well i rrly wanted to have a post right aft my exams but somehow din get round to doing it.

so exams ended admist the CNY period. neuro ended just last thurs and i absolutely do not noe how it'll turn out. but overall i think the papers kinda sucked. yea once again right. i think i rrly might have screwed them up AGAIN just as predicted. self-fulfilling prophecy they all will say; i keep saying abt this and tht abt exams tht's why it's all rrly happening.
i studied..hard. i guess maybe it's not hard enuf then. i rrly wanted to do better and pull up my grades. but i duno why it always ends up like this.
now, everytime im enjoying myself there's this thing at the back of my mind telling me i dun deserve to be hafing fun..exam results r not out yet, dun celebrate. and everytime i think abt certain things..my ans to qns in the exams i rrly feel so frustrated with myself..why din i write this ans? why did i ans in this way? how come i din think of it? i think abt such things and my heart sinks. exams always make me feel so stupid. my self-esteem and confidence just plummets alittle bit more everytime.
i start comparing why others seemed to always have it easier on them. AaargHhh! i know how sinful it is. i realised it's been a long time since i've been truly happy. there's no peace within me.

but thank you dear friends for all yur encouragements along the way esp betty and best friend.

did more visiting last weekend, ran some errands and attended a dinner. and it was super tiring.

monday had lunch with fellow classmates at Kushin-bo which was rrly SUPER good! the food as well as the company of pple (photos galore but got to find a way to get my hands on it haha). it was a pity i cudnt make it for dragonboat gathering which was ltr on in the evening.

tmr morning meeting up with genevieve for breakfast before she goes to sch! it's been ages man since we last met! WooO cheers to our friendship! we're going into our 9th year!=D

im very worried abt my grandma. i cannot imagine life without her one day.

all my days belong to You

2009-01-17T22:24:00.003+08:00

i started today worried abt alot of things. cudnt sleep well last night as a result.

it started last night when i was walking best friend to the bus stop..it kinda hit me all of a sudden. the fear rrly gripped me (maybe the feeling has been there for some time but it nvr surfaced); exams are starting nxt week and im so scared im gonna screw it up AGAIN. i know i've lost half the battle alrdy with me thinking in this way. somehow i feel i've rrly lost faith in myself and i find myself questioning God abt alot of things, which i really shudnt. i think this time round the feeling is even stronger after wad i heard was said abt me. best friend said everything's gonna be fine..and how i wish i cud bring myself to believe in tht but i really cannot. why? why? i need to stop feeling like im such a failure.

and just now i was reading the Daily Bread and saw tmr's 'msg'. i felt it so apt and it was a great reminder to me.
' For to have been thought about- born in God's thoughts- and then made by God, is the greatest, grandest, most precious thing of all thinking.....it's comforting to know that we're not a terrible mistake, but a very special creation..."i am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvellous are Your works" (psalm 139:14)'

everything in my life happened as it shud have been according to His will..be it good or bad. and i rrly shudnt care wad others might think abt me. i shudnt question as well why does it have to be this way. im not good in my studies but i must believe tht God has a purpose for tht and i have something else tht others may not have.

other then studies im praying for my Grandma. im getting increasingly worried for her as im noticing how quickly she's deteriorating recently.

i pray for a good week ahead for all of us.

God bless everyone!

i want this to end right now.

2009-01-15T23:03:00.002+08:00

so HAPPY!! best friend's at my house now!!
she just fixed my cat!
i hope we get some stuff done tonight and it'll be productive!!

hais..always dread the exam period! cant wait to go out and enjoy!!

i really long for someone whom i can share my deepest darkest secrets and know im not judged.

2009-01-12T22:30:00.005+08:00

Congrats Brother on your excellent results for O Levels! he got 9(-2) points! im so freaking proud of you! the world awaits you, bro; continue to be the best that you can be. I LOVE YOU!!

well i finally finished my cp assignment..which almost drove me crazy ytd. i so wanted to complain abt how sian i was wen i was doing it, but i kept telling myself i did so badly for pract tht i rrly dun have the right to say it.

i rrly dun understand how some pple can be so insensitive, arrogant and proud. i rrly dun. it must have been years ago tht you said this but im so glad i found out tonight. so 'im worse of the lot' it seems. wad's worse is we're family and it hurts to know im judged.

anw apart from the depressing practicals and stuff the past week, had to also plan mash's 21st bdae celeb; which took up super alot of time. there was coordinating with different pple and we were working with alot of pple, stuff had to be bot and prepared, and so on and so forth.
but luckily (a BIG sigh of relief) the suprise was a SUCCESS! we celebrated her bdae on sat! i rrly hope we managed to give her a memorable 21st bdae celebration tht she'll rmb for as long as possible.

trying to get more photos :)

i have SO MUCH to be thankful for in spite of everything!

2009-01-09T10:17:00.006+08:00

wow it's been such a long time since i last blogged..since sch started on 29th dec aft clinicals it's been crazy all the way. studying for cp and neuro pract plus psychology presentation.
finally tht's all behind me now.
who can lead as crazy a life as us..imagine having school even on NEW YEAR'S EVE!
it's now gonna be the start of our study break..but we still got to go back for lectures imagine tht..and we have two papers one week before CNY and one paper like right aft the 1st 2 days of CNY. and then ltr it's clinicals AGAIN!!

anw just got back cp results and damn i screwed it up damn bad. kinda expected it but it's damn depressing. it's like cp is smth i dun mind..i prefer it so much more then ms..but WHAT THE HELL! i just felt like knocking myself on my head man! and the most depressing thing is tht i knew i cud have done better. tht's always the case. enjoyed spending time with qing ytd in the aftnoon doing abit of reading and having a heart to heart chat..i rrly admire her..she's just been thru so much..so many setbacks and yet still trying to stay positive. we always ask each other the qn " i got study leh why still like tht huh".
thanks my dears for always being there for me.we're finishing our 2nd year alrdy..and then it's a race to the finishing line! i've no regrets coming to this course and being in this class minus all the setbacks and heart aches and tears and everything..becus you pple make it all worth while. DEFINITELY! Praise the Lord for tht man!

i rrly hope neuro wil turn out better although i cant expect much either. Oh well. betty told me dun look back becus if i do i'll start to b competitive and i'll compare. very true. and thanks girl for always msging me before my practicals to encourage me. you rrly are a God-sent Angel to me. i want everything to work out for you in the end :)

almost forgot i went to a kelong with my family over the xmas hols. it was a great experience man in the sense tht it rly made me appreciate all tht i had. the good sanitation and a nice comfortable bed. over there, we had to bathe in cold water, there wasnt a proper flush system and we were staying in those kind of atap house tht had leaves falling on the bed the whole time. but no doubt it's rrly peaceful there. watching the sunrise and sunset it's damn beautiful. we were living on the water; the view is just breathtaking..no other buildings blocking. and the stars at night..wow! no words to describe. in all, it was a great escape away from civilisation and everything. we definitely grew closer as a family.
And i pray for a Great Year for my family even in this period of economic downturn.

BABY JESUS!

2008-12-25T14:01:00.003+08:00

clinicals ended last friday!! in the end all went pretty well except for a few speed bumps tht im still rrly frustrated abt esp the one over tht UGLY WOMAN. damn! i know i rrly shudnt be judging pple but she rrly gets on my nerves! but the other physios are rrly SUPER NICE!!
really wanna thank CHIEW LAN and JINDEE for their patience and i've learnt SO much from them. they're wealth of knowlege has been an inspiration to me; i wanna b like them one day...and they're NYP grads; they told me 'nyp still got hope' HAHA the other physios, too, played an integral part in my learning curve and im SO grateful!
i've learnt so much during the last 5 weeks..much more than 1 and a half years in sch. gained not just in terms of knowlege but also life skills..i learnt how to deal with difficult patients, how to think on the spot when patients pose qns at me. inevitably i discovered alot of myself in the process and i guess most importantly, for me, i was able to build my confidence. the whole clinical attachement was rrly a great experience and i cannot put everything into words because what i've gained is just so much and it definitely will stay with me for the rest of my life as a physio; the fers time i was given my own patients to complete subjective & objective Ax, diagnose, treatment plan and intervention!
and to my partner MEI PING; it was such an honour to do clinicals with you. i learnt so much from you as well! thank you for your patience in tolerating my constant ramblings and constantly re-assuring me tht i can do it. enjoyed the massages we did on each other and i feel like after 5 weeks there's this special connection between us. it seems like although it was just 5 weeks we went through so much HAHA i apologise tht in the initial phase i took some getting used to working with u..i do need some time to adjust myself to different pple.

the highlight of our clinicals wud probably be the surgeries tht we saw; fascia release and Bankart repair. something tht will also stay with me for a very long time. thank you CGH for everything.

okay i finally took out my BRACES on 23rd Dec haha! it was quite painful! im still getting used to having my teeth so exposed! they look so naked! HAHA after all i had it on for 3 years! got attached to the braces and i kinda miss them! =D but oh wells gonna collect my retainers nxt tuesday.

met up with jeMXPH-D on tue aft dental! ate at fish n co and also at Gelare since it was tue and their waffles were half-price haha havent seen them in the longest time ever so it was quite refreshing to tok to them and catch up. all of them are still the same! we never fail to have a good laugh man!! it's nice to ravel in how each of us has gone our own seperate ways aft A levels; we're all riting our own life story and it's amazing. i rrly wan us to remain close and always meet up okay!!

Christmas party also on tue for our course! thanks JAC and KIYOKO for the planning! and RACHEL for helping us book her condo function room for us! it was a success! Freda and Lay Yen came down too so it was quite interesting haha. almost everyone turned up and it was just eating, toking, playing games and camera-whoring! haha! after tht the usual Taiwan gang pple hung out at east coast for drinks and just to chill. reached home at almost 3..thanks JAC for the lift home.

heading to Bintan with family tmr till sun. spend some time tgt, away from home. i hope we grow closer, even more, as a family as each one of us children grow older and long for more time with friends instead of family.

it's important not to get caught up with all the hussle of the season but to rmb the true reason for this season. Jesus Christ was born; salvation came to us in the form of flesh so tht we may be redemed and have everlasting life. Great is Your yur love and i pray tht in everything i do may it be for your glory and You be the center of my very being. Amen.

Merry Christman Friends!!

9 more days of attachment!!

2008-12-08T22:00:00.003+08:00

well it's been a long and, i guess ,enjoyable weekend!
din study much but definitely had a relaxing time with family.
tmr is back to the usual conundrum of clinicals..and i hate myself for the escapist attitude im hafing towards my work. through sat and sun, i knew i needed to study but i kept putting it off and now im stuck wif a multitude of work to be done, and im once again procratinating and instead of studying, im here blogging.
i rrly nid to WAKE UP man!

but clinicals hasnt been smooth-sailing. audrey came on tuesday and i guess i let her down. i ought to be better. i wish i am. after things that she said to me i developed a phobia to seeing patients and appreciate mei ping for constantly encouraging me. at the end of the day i guess only she knows what's going on..how bad the situation is. this is a struggle we have to go thru on our own. frens there are but they can only help that much..it all boils down to believing in myself.
but God has a purpose for everything and He has made it crystal clear to me and so i will trust.

another thing:
why did you have to tell me all these? and it had to be one day before you left for phuket. where were you when i was standing right in front of you 2 years ago. you ran away. you went and found someone else. i was waiting for you but you never showed and i didnt noe why. now you tell me she was a replacement for me what am i supposed to think? that now im a replacement for you to get over her? you tok incessantly abt her to me..and i admit i've feelings for you before so what was i supposed to think? how was i supposed to feel? i just wanted to be a good friend and be there for you. but let me tell you the boat has left the dock and it's not coming back.

Twas the Beginning of Advent

2008-11-30T21:45:00.002+08:00

' Twas the beginning of Advent and all through the Church
Our hope was all dying-we'd given up on the search.
It wasnt so much that Christ wasnt invited,
But after 2000 plus years we were no longer excited.

Oh, we knew what was coming-no doubt about that.
And that was the trouble- it was all 'old hat'.
November brought the first of an unending series of pains
With carefully Orchestrated advertising campaigns.

There were gadgets and dolls and all sorts of toys.
Enough to seduce even the most devout girls and boys.
Unfortunately, it seemed, no one was completely exempt
From this seasonal virus that did all of us tempt.

The priests and prophets and certainly the kings
were all so consumed with the desire for 'things!'
It was rare, if at all, that you'd hear of the reason
For the origin of this whole holy-day season.

A baby, it seems, once had been born
In the mid-east somewhere on that first holy-day morn.
But what does that mean for folks like us,
Who've lost ourselves in the hoopla and fuss?

Can we re-learn the art of wondering and waiting,
Of hoping and praying and anticipating?
Can we let go of all the things and the stuff?
Can we open our hands and our hearts long enough?

Can we open our eyes and open our ears?
Can we find him again after all these years?
Will this year be different from all the rest?
Will we be able to offer him all of our best?

So many questions, unanswered thus far,
As wise men seek the home of the star.
Where do we begin- how do we start
To make the child a place in our heart?

Perhaps we begin by letting go
Oh our limits on hope, and of the stuff that we know.
Let go of the shopping, of the chaos and fuss,
Let go of the searching, let Christmas find us.

We open our hearts, our hands and our eyes,
To see the kind coming in our own neighbours' cries.
We look without seeking what we think we've earned,
But rather we're looking for relationships spurned.

With him he brings wholeness and newness of life
For brother and sister, for husband and wife.
The Christ-child comes not by our skill,
But rather he comes by his own Father's will.

We can't make him come with parties and bright trees,
But only by getting down on our knees.
He'll come if we wait admist our affliction,
Coming in spite of, not by our restriction.

His coming will happen-of this there is no doubt.
The question is whether we'll be in or out.
"Behold, i stand at the door and knock."
Do you have the courage to peer through the lock?

A basket on your porch, a child in your reach.
A baby to love, to feed and to teach.
He'll grow in wisdom as God's only Son.
How far will we follow this radical one?

He'll lead us to challenge the way that things are.
He'll lead us to follow a single bright star.
But that will come later if we're still around.
The question for now: Is the child to be found?

Can we block out commercials, the hype and the malls?
Can we fin solitude in our holy halls?
Can we keep alert, keep hope, stay awake?
Can we receive the child for ours and God's sake?

From on high with the carolling host as he sees us,
He yearns to read on our lips the prayer: Come Lord Jesus!
As Advent begins all these questions make plea.
The only true answer: We will see,we will see.

----Todd Jenkins----

building up my confidence.

2008-11-25T22:07:00.004+08:00

im glad my family's coming back tonight. it's been a long week. i realised almost every day after i bathe and wash up after dinner i loose the motivation and the drive to study..somehow i'll end up slping rrly early and den waking up almost every hour to contemplate if i shud study..but usually i wun have the discipline to. it's been esp bad the last 2 nights. hais i think it's got to do wif no one being home and i just dun wanna think abt everything tht happened during the day.

din think i wud miss my family this bad..but i guess it's due to clinicals and being away from my classmates who always never fail to crack me up and make it seem like everything will be alright. each one of us is facing our individual struggles in the clinics and we're pretty much on our own to become the therapist tht we wanna be. we got to learn to fend for ourselves. no one's gonna wait for you.

i guess tht's the realiy of this society and, well pretty much, life. once you r not good or you have a weakness you r just left in a corner.

i realised i nvr was able to truly feel how it feels like to b left at the shore while you watch yur team mates paddle to the starting line. to not be chosen and even worse be replaced for the event you qualified yur team to. or rather i nvr found the time to feel for my team mates who were ever in such situations. i wud say it is a rather heart-breaking feeling..i started questioning if all i've been working so hard for was worth it; coming to trg and sacrificing revision time, pushing so hard during trgs..it came to a point where i was wondering if i shud just quit.

im thankful though for nadia, yvonne and joan who saw beyond the fascade and knew i was sad even without me telling them. rrly felt encouraged by the things they said. never expected it to come from them. really. and for peixuan, it was bittersweet when we won the final women's event when we were put down for the race, and tks for opening up.

feeling so CRAPPY!

2008-11-20T22:09:00.002+08:00

the rest of my family is in Taiwan on holiday. and i rrly miss them. kinda teared when i got off the phone wif them just now...HAIZ
after all the crap during clinicals in the day..coming home to a quiet hse gets lonely...
looking forward to meeting up wif my classmates tmr! desperately in need of a hearty laugh.
i miss happypeopleco!

why must there be days like this?

God reign in my life!!

2008-11-15T22:02:00.005+08:00

ended my last week of sch and gonna head out for clinicals on monday. it had the parting-our-own-seperate-ways kinda feeling. not like it's our first clinicals but i guess it's becus we've nvr had clinicals right smack during school term and just the feeling of not going to be able to see each other for 5 weeks seems so weird and somewhat like there's this void. school seems to be the safe haven from the outside world.

my class. the pple with the biggest heart all in 1 place. who nvr fail to crack me up and simply a joy to be around with. we just had a class on serial casting so check out all our cast. the scariest part was sawing it out. yeah literally use an electric saw to remove it HAHAHA. we had fun as usual and learnt plenty. my lecturer is a physio frm TTSH and i must say he's one of the best..in terms of being a lecturer and as a person; not only is his knowlegeable in his work but he's very SUPER understanding and he cares for us. will definitely miss him!

im very worried abt clinicals. din do well for the latest pract exam. so i've got to admit that im struggling abit with trying to tell myself that i can do it. but i'll seek ye in everything; for confidence in myself and trust that You will bring me thru all these. whatever happens, Lord i pray for unwavering faith which will be my driving force. God help me, and watch over my friends and take care of them. Amen

it's doesnt matter how the world views you; only God's opinion matters

2008-11-12T01:10:00.002+08:00

havent blogged for a really longgg time...been really busy man.

done with MS pract today.

and im really angry with Freda. i rrly hate the fact that she judges us based on previous practicals and performances. actually all these months i alrdy felt tht way from the way she talks to me, her tone and actions but i've been actively brushing it off to try to give her the benefit of the doubt tht she doesnt mean it..tht's wad they all say "aiya she doesnt mean it la..you noe she is not tactful when she speaks..if you ask her the nxt day wad she said she'll probably have forgotten" but i guess tht's not tht point..i mean once something has slipped yur tongue it's rrly hard to tke it back. no matter wad, you meant it at tht moment when you said it. and even though she's not tactful when she speaks, it doesnt make it alright.
after wad she said to qing it just compounds the fact that she has judged me all this while..that it wasnt just me being too sensitive and thinking too much.

qing, i noe how sad and hurt you r..i've been there and felt that way before, and no matter wad yur frens will nvr be able to say the right things to make it better. i just want to hug you and let you cry it all out.

like i've said so many times this course is so SO tough. it just continuously deals you blows in all directions possible. it breaks you down literally. but im thankful that God has given me such a strong support group in class. i wud not have gotten thru all these if not for all my frens. You indeed are sovereign and You noe wad's best for me. i believe You have a purpose for everything.

Prayer is the burden of a sigh and the drop of a tear.

2008-10-21T00:59:00.002+08:00

a BIG sigh from you broke my heart. i noe how much you wan me to be the best but i will never be able to live up to your expectations. i was not good enuf and i'll never be. and im sorry for being such a let down.

to qing, caryn, betty: i noe how it feels like to try so hard (the best tht we can) but everything still doesnt fall in place..be it in studies or in our personal lives. since when was it ever fair. but we just got to leap okay! i love you girls! =)

i duno why this semester has just been so SO hard.

God help us!

2008-10-16T01:49:00.003+08:00

XUE YUN pls get better soon! im praying so hard for you! I LOVE YOU girl!! Be Strong!!

im terrified to continue becuz im not ready for a failure..another setback
i feel burdened and i think i've been rrly self-absorbed wif all the depressing tots
started this sem feeling very tired and i was attributing it to camp..not hafing enuf rest and playing too much
was hafing very bad headaches the past 2 days
but i think it might not be becus of tht..but more of the nightmares of school
i just didnt wan to come back to school so badly
im tired and so is everyone else.

tomorrow will come and it will b over in a blink of the eye

wadever it is, no expectations = no disappointments; lesser the hurt and tears.

2008-10-12T22:37:00.004+08:00

camp ended today. tiring of cuz..but fun!! and my team; Team Giao you pple absoultely rock man!! you all were so sporting for our powerpuff girls skit wooHOO! the other teams were great as well..cheered and laughed so hard after perfomances and cherades etc..always ended the night wif a slight sore throat. Lights out was fun as well; tao-pok-ing each other and hafing a mini clubbing session in our room wif torchlights and music frm handphones HAHA yea yeahh cheap thrill. and i love toking into the night wif best fren, although it was incessant tok abt almost the same topics but i liked it and i hope you din find it boring. Oh and i think you shud start a fan club..Joan will be yur No. 1 fan man!! HAHAHA

tmr will be monday which means it's first day of year 2 sem 2. trying hard to shake off this feeling of impending doom. im abt to start this sem wif the feeling that i dun rrly wanna bother if im going to do well anot..like i dun even feel like working hard this sem. kinda lost the steam, the drive, the motivation and wadever it is. for as long as i've known...i've always started school wif a certain amount of inertia complaining continuously abt not wanting to go back to sch but i noe a part of me will wan to work harder to make it better. BUT not this time round. and i noe wif this tot i've alrdy lost half the battle.

all i wanna do is dig a hole and disappear. from everything. i cant see the finishing line and i have very little fight left in me.

Oh God help me..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY QING! you are a great fren yurself too :) LOVE you!!

dragonboat and my desires!

2008-10-06T21:39:00.004+08:00

well another weekend has passed and im into my last week of hols alrdy. really time flies! =(

anw the weekend was quite exciting..rowed in the 10km event. was rrly worried before it how im going to survive the whole route. but in the end it turned out to b a fantastic experience. we finished in 50 minutes yay!! came out relatively unscathed except for a couple of superficial wounds and spasm-ing gluts haha damn the ITE team; they played so dirty tt day. seriously man!! they shud reflect!! wad kind of sportsmen are they!

best fren rowed for the 5-men 500m event. betty too and her team got 2nd!! wooHOO! unfortunately best fren was in another team and they din win anything but all in all it was a great experience right!!

next big event wud be River Regatta end of Nov..from the beginning of the yr we've been toking abt this race and all too quickly it's coming so soon in just less then 1 month! we've been training so hard for this man!! haiz..attachments will be going on during this period of time; seriously not sure if i can cope wif everything.

db camp coming up this weekend. it'll b the last few days before school re-opens..i'll have as much fun as i can!

i really want to go to Australia after all this to get my degree! i really wan to so badly!! i nid to look back and noe i made the right choice not to go last year. i really Really REALLY hope i can make it despite everything pointing overwhelmingly to the contrary. or is this all just wishful thinking?

Come home running!

2008-10-02T00:23:00.004+08:00

today i was reminded of a saying from mash's shirt. Shakespear once said love all, trust a few and do no harm.

i wonder how many of us have pple we can really trust..with our lives. i think no matter how close we are to someone there's still a fence we build around ourselves. maybe it's a form of self-preservation. we cant help it i guess. we get hurt wen pple's actions fall short of our expectations for them. but for all we noe we ourselves might have hurts others before as well.

had an extended family dinner this evening and as usual a rrly pointless one. mostly just incessant adult tok while my bro and i immerse in a world of our own. just realised how close i've become to you. you know my past and my present. you know one of my deepest secrets that i have Never discussed it with anyone. i rmb how you helped me make such a big decision that has since changed my life forever. and i really wanna tok to you abt everything that's going on in my life now but you are alrdy so burdened with exams.
Brother im crying out and i find no way out. forgive me for thinking of you only when i realise i find no solace or comfort in the outside world. Save me!

nontheless thank you God for
mash: for ALWAYS being there when i needed it. God has been gracious in yur life so relish in it and be thankful each and every day.
betty: for that ever touching email. you are truly a special and unique person.
sisters in christ. you are family after all.

SAVA Race!!! =)

2008-09-23T01:19:00.006+08:00

AHH how cud i forget to blog abt our SAVA race tht was held on the 13th and 14th of sept.

it was one of the best races i've been involved in!

but it's so hard to explain to others how it felt like becuz you just got to be there to feel it man!

for the fers time..although we went back empty handed but we were not crying or saying we shud have done this or that..or blaming how everyone's attitude was during training tht resulted in this..not even for any screw up in timing or not shouting loud enuf in the boat or not paddling hard enuf and wad not..becus every single one of us gave it our best shot and the morale of the gals team was high despite the outcome

for the fers time..the hunger and the drive and the determination to win was so great within us..during the plate finals we screamed so loudly in the boat nadia said she tot we were all going mad.

it's just mayb we arent strong enuf yet or mayb we lack the experience..but i think becuz this time round we were so damn close to winning we now see it tht we can actually do this. mayb it's time the team is starting to come tgt. maybe.

(but mayb im thinking of leaving becus of my studies..hais..but i cant bare to do so when the team's peaking..duno how)

suffering from insomnia these days and keep hafing this nagging headache.

can DREAMS really come true? will mine ever come true?

2008-09-21T14:44:00.004+08:00

Last night was crazy to the max!!! Girls night out wif fellow team mates!! WooHOO! we shud definitely do this more often!! =)))

started work this weekend and i totally dread it. going to work ltr on and im so freaking tired! legs and back aching like crazzzyyy from all tht standing. OH wells i'll just tolerate..4 more days left! and nxt week it's the F1 so hopefully i'll meet some hot guys!! HAHA

results were out. totally screwed up this semester. GPA plummeted like mad..the onli consolation is tt i passed everything. seriously i think good game alrdy. should i stay on? haiz..but i dun noe wad else i wanna do. BUT i dun noe if i can tke this anymore. maybe im just not cut out for this..even though my interest is here. seriously feel like a failure man. everything i try, i fail. time and time again.

alright highlights of nxt week; meeting up wif lovely jeMXPH. and sleepover at genevieve's house! havent been to her place in the longest time ever! and OH last night bumped into her at cityhall stn..it was a pleasant surprise! (:

if only we cud live in dreams. all the time.

Best Friend!

2008-09-08T22:26:00.005+08:00

race is coming up this weekend. training is absolutely crazy.

BCLS course starts tmr and i havent gone thru the notes yet.

Holidays very much screwed up.

i think results are coming out soon. dun think it will be fantastic. kinda prepared i wun b able to go overseas to study. so yea..i guess wif no expectations, there will b less disappointment as well.

Best Fren just left for a long holiday tonight! wonder how i'll get thru these few weeks w/o you. okay mayb im sounding a little psycho but you've rrly been there for me esp during the last week which i pretty much wud haf gone totally insane if not for you. thank you for never judging me. being so ever understanding. and for all yur sacrifices. really wished i cud have gone over to yur place to do some drinking last night. dear fren, i WILL MISS YOU!

raining cats and dogs outside now. wanna just cover myself up wif my blanket and just drown out and forget everything tht's going on. too many things going thru my mind these days and sometimes i feel it'll just explode.

yea mayb you are right tht im not rdy to settle down. but then again i think if i had tot u were the right one for me i wud have been rdy to settle down anytime. im glad though tht nth more happened b/w us otherwise i wud have lost this friendship becus i dun think we wud have worked out anyway. im here for you if u nid a listening ear or run into any problems and i treasure this tht we have b/w us and i noe you too.

feels horrible. sucks man. i need to figure this out.

God help me!!!

2008-09-03T23:55:00.003+08:00

finally i decided to put my feet down and make the difficult decision of not going on holiday wif my frens. it's just that after so many road blocks along the way and after wad happened last night i decided i shud forgo it even though it rrly hurts me. but i think this is for the better.

the things that come out of your mouth rrly hurt me. but i thank you for giving me a clearer picture of what i can or cannot say to you. from now hence forth the only things that will be conversed between us will only be superficial matters of logistics and absolutely no personal feelings/thoughts and wad not. i can nvr be too sure what i say will anger you and what's more u will not say it there and then but boil it deep down in you waiting for the right moment to just spill everything out. you have officially lost my respect for you. and u will no longer be the person i turn to when im in need. i will try to distant myself as far frm u as possible in case i get hurt again but dun worry i will show u the respect you wan frm me..thought it doesnt mean i mean it. i cannot forgive you becus you of all pple shud noe how much i've done to make you happy. how much i've sacrificed my happiness for you. but to you it's not enuf. so get away from me and leave me alone. you get yur way and im not going on my trip anymore!

im not happy and i wont be for this whole holiday. never tot it'd end up like this. tot i'd rrly haf a fantastic holiday after such a difficult semester.

i want to run away get out of here. i nid to breathe again. clear my mind. find back who i am becuz i feel like im loosing it.

this is the life man!!!

2008-08-30T22:52:00.004+08:00

alright lets see...
actually the events of the past week are very detail-y described in jac's blog haha!

so monday was basically collect NIKE race pack wif qing and mash before meeting up wif jac and caryn for the movie death race and aft tht just mostly chilling out at various spots haha.

tue spent it at home wif my bro..who is in the midst of his Prelims (all the best bro!) ended the day wif trg in sch...terribly tiring man! running! pool rowing! carrying weights between 7.5- 8.75Kg! one word CHUI aptly describes the feeling aft trg.

well wed went for sea trg at seletar in the late aftnoon and it's so far! had to Rush home aft pull- ups to bring my sis for her tuition(familial obligation since i wanted to go clubbing tht night) before getting ready to meet the rest in Orchard to go to Zouk!!! *thanks xy for the lovely dress* had a blast tht night man! danced and sang like there's no tmr! yes man jac this is the life we're toking abt! anw really thank you jac for being such a great fren aft tht little encounter wif the bouncer. really appreciate it! =) left just before 3am.

had to wake up at 7.30 the nxt day for the photoshoot at 9am in sch. frm the moment i woke up i knew good game man...this is going to be a LONGGG day. my head was so heavy i had trouble lifting it up! and for the whole day sometimes i felt like i cudnt balance myself..and i had to do this shoot standing on a wobble board doing a quarter squat wif one leg. My goodness! not just my knee control was bad there was the after effects of alcohol kicking in. Freda had to tape my arch and my knee for stability and she deflated the board a little so it'd b easier haha! but the photo shoot was quite an experience looking at how professional photographers work..they are so particular abt the positioning of their lights and the light intensity and blah blah blah. we can spend more then one hour on tht and then there's instructions on how we shud be standing, facing, hand positioning wahhh! the list can go on before he is satisfied and finally decides to tke the fers shot. for each pose we took more then 10 shots! seriously many times when instructions were given i felt myself drifting away..i wanted so badly to just lie on the floor and sleep! anyway! if anyone of u got relatives or noe anyone in JC now they'll be receiving a promotional catelogue for the A lvl courses in nyp and so tht's wad the photoshoot is for...so before u throw it away just tke a look at the photographs...becuz it took almost the whole day to tke just 4 poses..so yeah alot of work went into it on top of the beauty of the 3 of us (weixiang AND peigin!) HAHAHA!
ended the day with trg AGAIN which i totally just felt like crap!

alrighty last but not least fri! slept till almost 11.30 before deciding to get out of bed aft persistent nagging frm my grandma. bumped around for awhile and before i knew it it was time to get ready to head down to SA for the midnight 7s rugby tournament. we were supposed to do a sports coverage for the event. but anw for me it was quite an experience cuz i nvr actually watched rugby before and i onli learnt the basic rules tht day. but it's a darn rough game. u can see pple wif dislocated shoulders/ deep gashes on their faces/ concussion etc. they can b literally flinged down by the other team.

tht was my week.

our overseas trip still not cfm yet. i duno wad's going to happen but i think it's rrly impt to get all of us tgt and discuss this as a whole group.

i think the onli person we can pin our expectations on wud b God bcuz pple let you down.

tmr's the nike run with concert wif boyslikegirls singing! yay! =D

what's going to happen next???

2008-08-25T03:56:00.005+08:00

exams ended on thurs!

but im rrly REALLY deep down extremely worried abt the papers..afraid tht im gonna do badly. they were so freaking difficult! my GPA's not even high to begin wif. it's so difficult to come to terms wif the fact tht the tot of not being able to further my studies in aust is slowly but surely creeping up to me.

well im happy now tht i can go out and enjoy myself..away from all the books

bt wen the sun sets and everyone in the family has gone to bed the tot of being stuck here while all my frens are overseas just scares and terrifies me. and i noe how close this is to coming true. n i will be letting so many pple down. esp my parents. after all these years of support from them i cant even end my education wif a degree..to a parent wad more can i b but a failure.

why cant my life be a bed of roses? why cant it be smoother-sailing where everything is all mapped out? why am i not smarter? when will my hard work pay off?

i wanted/still want to run away..from everything..it's just so hard.

i love this course and love the pple even more. but i noe im not good enuf. it scares me tht pple's lives are going to be in my hands. will i ever be good enuf i rrly wonder. i put in all i've got but wen's this heartache going to stop.

i've been re-assured tht nah i've worked so hard it will be alright..wun b tht bad..BUT bad and alright are relative. i have high expectations simply becuz i din tke the easy way. mayb i shud say silly me why din i right?

im weak. emotionally. i cant let go of things so easily. i dun c the bigger picture.

frustrated with alot of things now. even wif my parents.

i need to get out of this place. disappear.

prayer!

2008-08-12T18:15:00.002+08:00

okay this is going to be a fast post. got so much so much to say!

well the past week has been, i shud say, quite a week.
we FINALLY finished our stats proj. yay!

my relatives from msia came to visit and they were staying at our place. they left this morning and suddenly the house feels empty again. well my couz hasnt changed much since the last time he came over one year ago, and though it worries me tht he is still so immature and dependent on his mother even though he's alrdy 12, but his innocence i have grown to find 'charming'. but i must admit i was irritated by him on several occasions and im guilty for tht; he's just a child man! haiz he just had to visit at the rong time when exams are so close. well he was very relunctant to get into the taxi this morning.. he was tearing up and hugging grandma! i guess he feels lonely at home since he's the only child but when he's here there's us! no matter how rich he is money cant buy tht! HAHA! hopefully we'll be able to go and visit them soon..they just renovated their hse (:

in addition to the distractions of so many pple in my hse, i had to fall sick during the weekend. was feeling relatively alright during the day on sat tht's why i decided to go ahead for dinner wif qing, caryn and jac but started to feel rrly bad halfway thru. and they were so nice! i feel so bad! i was running a very high fever! 39.3 deg! when i rched home i tot i was going to faint! the most horribliest feeling ever. and the thing was tht i wanted to get down to doing my ms report tht very night. deadline was monday and i hadnt even started on it. so by hook or by crook had to drag myself out of bed on sunday despite the fever and got down to doing the report. seriously man we have so many things to do; they just cant leave us alone even though exams are so freaking near.

O lvl chinese results were out today! and im so proud of my brother! he did so well!! the most shocking part of all was his oral; he got a distinction!! we dun even speak chinese for god's sake man! this is going to shut all my aunties up haha! *sorry if it sounds so crude* but sometimes it's rrly irritating when they keep asking my bro why he dropped his higher chinese..acting so high and mighty since their kids r still tking higher chinese.
when bro msged me and told me how happy he was and tht his prayers haf been answered and he can finally Finally smile, i teared when i saw tht. because i noe how hard it's been for him. failure after failure and he has been feeling rock bottom in his spiritual life and in his own self esteem. but i think no matter wad he still continued praying and i believe God was definitely with him durin all the papers. All praise and honour unto Him! God rrly has a purpose for each one of us.

and to mashy..take care and be strong. God wil see you thru this and you will emerge an even better stronger person. when it all seems impossible, only thru faith of God's unending love will it be our pillar of strength thru it all.

prov 3:5-6---
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

papers starting this thurs. i rrly pray against any more distractions so tht i may concentrate fully on my revisions. I need wisdome from God more than anything at this point in time. pray pray PRAY!

the night is darkest just before dawn.

2008-08-03T17:47:00.004+08:00

before this i had typed out an entry abt how im such a failure and my sad and pathetic life. but somehow on fri, when i was half way thru i just felt VERY tired and so i decided to continue on another day.
And then God had to speak to me the very nxt day at FOP with the powerful msg by Paster Mark Conner.
he spoke abt the importance of taking leadership of our thoughts. he asked a question on why we so often liked to replay the bad movies in our lives over and over again. even playing it on surround sound and high definition. the crux of it all is that only we ourselves are responsible for our lives and it is only us who can keep all these negative thoughts in captivity to prevent creating a stronghold of negativity.
it's true but hard to apply.
this semester has truly been a trying one..not tht the nightmare's over yet but at least for a few days now with the practicals hopefully out of the way( i.e. if i dun have to retake any) before revision goes into full swing for my semestral exams.
i need to stop harping on how unfair my practical schedule was although i literally had 3 back to back practicals, because i guess there were others worse off hu had 4 practicals in a row. haiz..but i noe becuz of the tight time constraint some of my revision was compromised and well well as expected i din do well for physio pract. seriously a big fat SIGH.
so many of us cried on so many occasions in these last few months but i think thru it all we've grown i guess. the road's been rough but God will lead us and at the end of it we will be alright.
no doubt it is inevitable to have thoughts of past failures/disappointments when things just continuously remind me of them.
OH wells i will still work hard and try my best for each test/pract/exam and wad not and pray hard tht it will all pay off one day. i noe im not as intelligent as many of my class mates and cannot smoke my way thru alot of things and so working hard is the only way to go for me haiz.

alright since many of the rest are still hafing practicals this week, qing and i are checking out on where to go for this coming semestral break. thinking of down under but the fuel tax can just kill us all. so high chance of going to shanghai for the time being but we'll see.

shall go get ready for dinner! going to eat Russian food at Borshch steakhouse! (:

everything is just spinning out of control.

2008-07-25T23:57:00.002+08:00

so tired. physically and mentally. been hafing headaches. and i find myself waking up and crying ever so often bcuz im so frustrated and angry wif myself for slping more then i shud and time's alrdy running out.
this period is rrly one of the most trying times i've been thru. trying so hard to put my faith in God becuz this is rrly impossible for me to handle. i noe my limits and i can feel myself breaking down inside.
today i lost it man. broke down aft physio pract. i felt so defeated. the paper, to me, was difficult..and the thing was tht the night before i ended my neuro pract at abt 7.30pm and by tht time i was dead tired; even yvonne commented on my blood-shot eyes. i had to force myself to stay awake and go thru physio revision.
really thankful to my dear buddies who were there for me this morning. but i din rrly wanna tok abt wad i was feeling becuz i think if im tired, everyone else is too.

this weekend is going to be another crazy one as well with cp pract on mon, neuropsych on wed and then ms pract on thurs.

haiz i feel tht i nid to study now so tht i wun look back on sun and regret not working hard But! i am so SLEEPY!

what a week.

2008-07-13T00:02:00.003+08:00

hit the bed almost immediately wen i rched home just now. freaking tired to the max! was forced out of bed at 7 for dinner before going back to sleep again. woke up at 11 plus and decided i needed to get myself tgt. saturday seems to be the day i feel the brutality of how the week has been. never ending project discussions and tests to study for. wad's more ytd got home in the wee hours aft my mum's bdae celeb and i had to drag myself out of bed early in the morning at 6 plus for trg.

went for lunch wif the girls in the team, including the juniors, at subway@marina square. we were seriously making so much noise i was so worried we'd b chased out of the place man!

aft tt marshy and i went to meet the happypeopleco. to collect our shape run stuff at the marina square atrium..i think it's rrly very fast; the run's nxt sunday alrdy! haha..and wad's more! MINA is tking part in it too! i sure hope we dun bump into her man LOL.

anyway! congratulations jac for passing your driving exam! we're all waiting anxiously for you and tricia to use yur expertise when we go on a road trip some day..or at least i am. HAHAHA!

next week i have research methods presentation and den we'll have just one last project to complete. yay? haha. well nxt week i wun be having any tests( for once) but aft tht, the following wk, i'll be having physio and neuro practicals. and then there'll be another two practicals dat follow suit of which i dun even wanna think abt them sighz. one step at a time i guess.

alright..another week coming up..better make the most it. i seriously need to stop thinking so much. it's tiring.

2008-07-05T22:08:00.010+08:00

one week has passed since the competition and i realised tht disappointments aside..more importantly was tht we had each other. we are in this together. this fight we will win one day. and thank you so much to qing and jac for coming down to support us. grateful also for those hu wanted to come down but had church tht day. haiz so many times i rrly feel like tking a break from dragonboat..it's rrly tking out so much of my time and it's not even paid off. but it's juz smth abt the sport and abt the pple tht brings me back to trg. BUT im also rrly worried abt my studies..i rrly duno wad to do.

maybe it was rong to have so much expectations. but i dun think we can help having it. and it was said tht the closer u are to a person the more they will disappoint you. haiz it's so sad and heartbreaking and at the end of the day wad remains is just the big question WHY.

sometimes, like at this very moment, i just wished i cud lie in bed and just stare at the ceiling and not think abt anything. not work tht needs to be done. just absolutely nothing. i wished time cud just stop and let me tke a breather. let me get a grip of everything. im so tired physically, mentally, emotionally.

anyway tmw i'll finally be able to go to church. yay!
i need God's strength to go on.

tired.

2008-06-30T21:58:00.002+08:00

the weekends just flew by. spent it at Bedok reservoir for most of the two days where the Dragonboat Festival was held. we din win anything at the end of the whole event. for me, i think it's disppointing to the point im not sure how to describe it anymore. looking back, i've been in dragonboat for 4 years alrdy and the results i've achieved have been nth more then just mediocre. it has left me scrambling to find the ans; does the problem lie with me in tht im just not cut out to be a dragonboater. as nadia came to me aft our last race and literally buried her face on my shoulder and started crying so hard, my heart was in my gut. i was feeling so shattered and demoralised.
am i such a failure i rrly wonder. im not good at anything. not studies. not dragonboating. im trying my best here but when will it ever be enuf. i noe jolly well tht i shud b channelling my energy into planning out my work and getting down to revision but i just cant find it in me for that strength to go on. i feel lost. i feel this sinking feeling in my gut. can i keep picking myself up and trying again? i've just lost far too many fights and if there was a fire or a drive at all in the beginning, it's no longer there.
i may even be my parent's disppointment. all these years i've rrly wanted to prove not just to myself but to my parents as well tht im capable of better and tht they havent raised me in vain. but..haiz..i've yet to rrly make my parents proud. and to that im sorry mum + dad.

last night slept at about 4am or so. shit tired man. going thru the day wif my mind blank most of the time becuz im just so tired to think doesnt feel good. i nid to adjust my body clock back. today we completed comms and cp presentation. so we're now left wif research methods, stats, pbl. on top of tht there's studying tht nids to b done for practicals and sem exams are coming real soon.

i think people let you down. but can we ever expect so much from them? moreover they dun haf the obligaiton to do so. oH wells mayb im like tht to other people as well, so i shudnt judge nor comment.

the last 'Supper'

2008-06-23T03:54:00.004+08:00

well study break has officially ended. the last two weeks just literally flew by without me accomplishing much revision which is extremely worrying with all the practicals coming up and final sem exams in 8 weeks..but there were just too many projects that needed to be done and i found myself coming back to school literally everyday for discussions. and even after two weeks the projects are still no where near completion. i think i really need a miracle esp with my puny and slow brain.haiz.

Anyway depressing stuff aside, we had a rrly great fondue party at Tricia's place on friday, which led to drinking of Red wine and the playing of Taboo (that to my amazment is actually very fun!!), we den adjourned for dinner at Chomp Chomp ( where shi min and i 'bumped' into fellow db boys) before heading to Liquid Kitchen for yummy cheese nachos and fries and drinks. it was prolly the last day for us to really let our hair down and have fun before the nightmare begins..truly our last 'supper'.
nxt weekend is our competition..im hoping and praying for the best. 800m is no joke. it's juz one chance we must make the best of it..and so much of tht i nid to put into play in my life as well. went out for dinner with my family just now and i was expressing my concern about how worried i am for my future; if i'll b able to further my studies and all that..alot becus of our hard i fell so recently. tht even though i've put in my effort somehow it still wasnt enuf. and my mum had these words of wisdom; 'i guess on top of studying hard you've got to pray hard as well for so many things are outside our realm of control. you can do it only if you set yur mind to it'. i guess she's right..moreover my parents started from humble beginnings, 3 meals were even hard to come by but they knew they had to work hard and make it to university and so here we are today. against all odds they accomplished so much. and yet me..i dun have to worry abt so many things and yet im not doing half as well as they did. and sometimes i wonder why. maybe i should be ashamed of myself.

okay, and im off to bed. it's rrly late.

something for me to pick myself up and try again.

2008-06-11T12:05:00.005+08:00

well as i expected, i failed my MS practical. got a BIG freaking F for it. although yeah i said as expected but seeing the result in front of me kinda left me gaping for air, at a loss as to whatever happened and how was i supposed to go on. i must admit im not used to failing..esp failing this bad. but then again im not alone; i failed amist more then 20 others who also 'almost passed'. we all we focusing on the wrong stuff; we were all mis-informed.
however i think it's just me and how it's so difficult for me to swallow this defeat. it's almost like a slap in my face. i think i really did put in alot of effort for this practical; i had laid on my bed the last two nights thinking about those nights we stayed back practicing taping in the corridor, going to consult Freda almost every friday, and to have it amount to this failure. it's never fair.
this course really breaks us..or at least i can say that for myself..i rrly want this so badly tht's why it hurts so much. imagine fighting so hard for someting onli to noe you lost.

after two days of being in much despair i think i've dried up all my tears. and realised, more importantly, how blessed i am with people around me who have so much love to give; qing and her hugs, tricia who was the last person i'd expect to say i love you, shi min and her words of widsom, caryn and jac who just notice things. i guess Patrick was right tht things happen for a reason..i must admit i never looked at things in tht way. mayb advice from an outsider is good sometimes cos i guess they can say it from an objective point of view..but then again it's very hard for them to understand how it rrly feels like. to them it's rrly just a small matter( and definitely it's not their fault).
maybe Patrick isnt tht bad of a guy after all HAHA..even despite telling him tht i dun rrly noe how to say what's going on and tht he wun understand he still persisted in hearing me out even though it was rrly quite late alrdy.

once again im thankful and grateful for all these people around me, w/o them i dun think i wud have been able to get thru this. i guess it is thru things like tht which bring out the best in people. and i rrly need to learn frm this, pick myself up, move on and try again. this is just the beginning of much more that it is to come. i need to be strong and be prepared for the obstacles ahead.

Just glad i have a strong support group going thru all these tgt and im not alone. Praise the Lord! =)

I MISS YOU SIS!!

2008-05-31T01:11:00.005+08:00

alright my sis has officially spent 5 days away from us..away from the comforts of home..and mummy tucking her into bed. it's the longest time ever for her. was on the phone with her juz now and she sounded so cute and yet also so matured. wen i heard her voice i just wished she was in front of me where i cld just HUG her. i really miss her! she'll be coming back on sunday..although at midnight. i shud b going to fetch her la..din manage to see her off becuz of the damn epa pract make up lesson. anyway she's leaving for Shanghai ltr on today alrdy..cuz they're tking their plane back frm the int'l airport there..Hangzhou prob doesnt have any domestic airport? haha i have absolutely no clue.

okay abt lectures; i rrly enjoy physio lectures becuz it's always so funny..the lecturer rrly has a sense of humour and it's how he illustrates the medical conditions tht makes it so much easier to rmb some of them..HAHA. and today he saw us in our corridor practising walking aids and he was saying this is like our 2nd home haha! wad was even funnier was he said we shudnt call it Jurassic park..but Geriassic Park instead :) anw he's rrly nice

anw Freida was sharing wif us some recounts of less fortunate pple in spore on thurs during lec and (i cldnt believe it but) she started to cry. i think she rrly felt very deeply for these pple and she cldnt forgive herself for how she tot abt them before. she said she "cldnt sleep tht night and she practically cried herself to sleep". i feel like she's so real as a person and there's no like i-am-a-leturer-but-you-are-a-student kind of mentality. and she definitely got her msg across tht we rrly shud appreciate wad we have..for we are so SO fortunate!

alrighty practised MS most of fri. taping and walking aids. Kiyoko is my patient. got to spend some time with her and realised she's a wonderful person (nt tht i tot any other way before but it's juz getting to noe her a little better) and i think jumbling us up isnt quite a bad idea aft all..we can get to mingle more wif the others frm the other class as well.
we were practising climbing up and down stairs wif crutches .NOT EASY MAN! hard work!

alrighty it's getting late..tmw there's trg still.

i LOVE you sis! and i miss you DEARLY! Looking forward to you coming home!

~friends~

2008-05-25T04:00:00.002+08:00

juz came back slightly before 2am frm our bdae celeb for huining and mel at hn's hse.

had the Special Olympics health screening thingy during the most part of the day before going to meet them and i was pretty tired out frm the whole event..which i think was attributed mostly to the heat of the day. but i think it was an eye-opening experience handling these intellectually challenged kids.

alright rched hn's hse at abt 7pm..spent abt 45 mins deciding wad pizza shud we order and at the same time we were waiting for elyn to come online so tht we cld webcam wif her; which was specially arranged by xueyun to surprise the bdae gals (unfortunately,though, she din turn up so we gave up waiting.)
started our dinner onli at abt 8.30pm and aft tht david started to unleash his house-cleaning nature, when he started to MOP the floor! HAHA. and he's seriously meticulous in the cleaning man!
after everything was cleared, mel played some songs for us on the guitar..and i think it was just beautiful. she sang and played! she was amazing! i think juz hearing tunes frm a guitar can turn wadever night it is and make it so magical..i felt like the world outside was juz fading away; nothing else mattered other then wad was going on in the room. i have this sudden urge to take up piano (AGAIN) and guitar..recently i've been hearing pple ard me play such beautiful songs on these instruments and i wanna b able to do it as well!
anw we ended the night wif some bitching/trashing till we lost track of time and missed all our last buses! and i found out today tht night riders are so expensive!!!
OH wells i wonder wen will b the nxt time we'll meet again..im going to have my exams soon while they are hafing their holidays :(

my goodness! it's past 4am alrdy! better get some sleep before tmw becomes a wasted day again.

grass on the other side is always greener

2008-05-19T22:20:00.003+08:00

just got back frm dinner at the club wif all my aunties and uncles. well nvr rrly liked such gatherings cuz they're mostly boring (for me tht is). but today was quite alright cuz one of uncles announced tht he applied for Canadian PR alrdy..yeah and im always excited abt such things haha. onli my uncle and his wife are going..i think his sons wud prob settle down in aussie land eventually where they have some properties there. currently they're waiting for their PR application to b processed( which will tke abt 2 years haha!) but i think shudnt b a problem cuz he has alrdy deposited money wif the government (seriously you have the money, it usually gets things done). come to think of it i rrly wudnt mind going over to Canada to work..if my uncle does go there i'll prob ask him to scour for job availability for me..my parents dun mind going over there; they rrly loved Canada the last time they were there, place was beautiful and weather was awesome. my mum was saying it's one of the more beautiful places she's been to thus far second to Salzburg..hopefully HOPEFULLY we'd be able to go there aft i get my diploma to go skiing as a family in Whistler mountain. it'd rrly be fun!

OH and im rrly jealous mel's going to San Francisco this june haha. and i suspect she's prob travelled half the world over alrdy till today. but Mel have fun yar..enjoy it while it last and be careful! you'd be on a very powerful fault! HAHA. i think travelling definitely opens yur eyes to alot of things..you learn alot tangibly and intangibly...pple can tell you how beautiful the place is and this and tht..but it is abt going there to experience it fers hand tht rrly counts.

i really LOVE to travel and i wish i cld do more of tht..although i must be thankful tht i've had my fair share of holidays tht many others havent had the luxury of hafing. Travelling to me is such a beautiful thing..it allows me( for a short period of time) to fly away leaving everything behind, tkes my worries away, and at the same time allows one to soak in the culture and the vibe of the place.

but snapping back into reality..i've got to prepare for MS and CP practicals PLUS research methods ICA before my study break..haiz..and on top of tht, this sat we'd have to do some health screening for the special Olympic Athletes and the following sat we're helping out at the Sundown Marathon..so basically our weekends are quite burnt.

went to church ytd..aft quite some time..and i wud say..it was refreshing..which is smth i need to get me thru the nxt few wks. *praying hard*

do i noe wad im fighting for?

2008-05-10T15:33:00.004+08:00

first and foremost..im so relieved my grandma's alright aft her procedure on thurs. it wasnt all tht successful though..the doctors din manage to remove all the stones but they did change the stent in there..so i guess this shud last a couple of yrs more..reason being they felt my grandma, becuz of her age,was on the operating table for too long so they decided to stop the procedure. it was to be a simple procedure but at the age of 93 the doctors cannot ascertain the success rate so everyone was rrly worried..but she had to go for it cuz it had reached a point where the stent HAD to be removed. Anw im rrly glad granny's home and resting well.

I realised in recent years tht i've started to feel in-debted to my granny for taking care of me all these 20 years. i rmb her cooking for me, feeding me, bathing me, patting me to sleep, walking me to kindergarten and all the other things tht my parents nvr got round to doing. i love my grandma!

anyway on thurs i also experienced some of the lowest points in my life. it wasnt anything tht happened but juz some things tht someone said to me that rrly hit me hard. i tink to some of the pple out there it was juz a trivial matter n tht i shudnt read too much into things n tht i shud have juz shrugged it off. but it's really so hard to express it in words how it hurts. im touched tht Qing was willing to share wif me an experience she had similar to mine and i rrly truly noe she understands how it feels, which i dun think it's easy to empathise wif unless you have experienced it. but nonetheless im thankful and grateful for those who were there for me when i needed it most; conforting and toking some sense into me. sometimes it's juz really hard to keep the faith and know why and what im fighting so hard for.

finally went to trim my hair after weeks of comtemplating shud i or shud i not. haha. did my eye brows as well!

Oh yes and my uncle was in town last week( becuz of my grandma)..and he was relating to us abt his son's classmates. well, his son's in a British International school in KL. His classmates hardly study..often going overseas even during term and missing lessons for 2 to 3 weeks at once. and he was saying wen they were going to break for the term and his teacher was telling this German boy to study during the hols..and guess wad tht boy's mum told the teacher; den do u work during the holidays?! OMG right! in spore where got such things! well i tink since these pple all come frm ULTRA wealthy families and i guess they've made their fortunes..there's not rrly much purpose for their kids to study so hard. i think they juz go to sch for socialisation. and Abdullah Badawi's grandson is my couz's classmate! haha! though quite a nasty boy frm wad i heard. anw i think i've said it before but sometimes im jealous of wad my couz has..he has/can haf anything under the sun tht money can buy and the other thing is tht he has good family support; his parents aint working anymore( made enuf money alrdy). the downside though i think wud b tht he isnt made as resilient as us living in spore and i dun think he'll survive if he comes here to study..and i think he'll haf alot of catching up to do later on in his life. looking forward to his whole family coming down in june/july and staying wif us. i think he wud haf finished 6th Grade by then :)

alright i think i nid to buck up and get on track wif my studies!

i need to study!

2008-05-05T18:08:00.003+08:00

my goodness i have so many things to blog abt but there's onli time for the main things...
just got back from school and decided to blog so hopefully i can get some work done tonight...though im rrly clueless abt the direction im gg. shit man it's alrdy wk 4!

well a few weekends ago, nyp db team took part in the PA Championships and the gals clinched 2nd and 3rd in the IVP and Women's Open respectively. yay! it was truly bittersweet! after a long period of drought for the sch , finally we brot back smth..hopefully we'd b able to bring back the past glories of nyp haha. enjoyed rowing wif shi min, betty and nadia as the back pack =) honestly, i dun rrly like the idea of juniors coming in becuz all it means is more competition for our seat in the boat and also i dun like to make new frens haha!

but trainings been getting tougher. weights we've moved on to 5kg each side and during rowing we're pulling tyre. imagine under the scorching sun wif beads of sweat trickling down the sides of our faces and the boat is hardly moving although we're TRYING OUR BEST. i haf to admit i had a very strong desire of giving up halfway thru the rowing which i havent felt for the longest time ever! body was aching everywhere! after training i even had the tot of juz lying on the floor..it was extremely tiring! oh wells no pain no gain right? im juz praying for some rain real soon..weather is killing me!

OH and today i went for my dental appt. and i guess i wun b tking it out anytime soon..all 'thanks' to my wisdom teeth which have pushed my molars out of alignment..SO today i had inserted into my teeth another 2 metal rings which was quite painful cuz the dentist was trying to find the right size of the ring and those rings seperate my last teeth frm the gums at the back..im juz thinking of even more pain wen he tries to yank them out wen it's time for the braces to be taken out. im sure it's some super glue they've used.

alrighty..i rrly nid to sit down and find some direction in my work. time's running out!

heart of the matter

2008-04-19T16:08:00.005+08:00

i think this card made by xy is SUPER NICE! esp the insides of it! most of my frens are SO artistic! HAHA
anyway! went out wif hn, pj, mel, xy and cindy ytd! too bad elyn cudnt join us..cuz we had a great and fantastic time minus the little incident tht happened to us wen we were called BITCHES! i tot it was totally uncalled for and we definitely din do anything tht wud deserve to b called smth so harsh..i mean they were the ones hu started staring at us since they came in. and i think becuz of tht we have the right to question why right! and xy realised she dropped a pair of earings at the restaurant..so i think those pple were prob staring becuz of tht? BUT do they think we can read their minds? GOSH juz open their mouths and tell us issit all the pearls will drop from their mouths? SHIT MAN!
alright..we had dinner at Sushi Teh and den adjourned to Ice cube for dessert! food was awesome and company was even better! thanks gals for the beautiful shirt dress! it's extremely nice! will wear it for our nxt gathering..which i reckon will b very soon right! mel and hn's bdaes are coming up! yay! den we'll all be in the BIG 20 CLUB! (:

ohwells..back to serious stuff; some of us were at the lib ytd n we juz happened to bump into one of our seniors..she recommended some books to us(which is so nice of her). aft which she started sharing wif us her YEAR 2 experience..which to me sounded bad. wad the lecturers teach is onli juz the tip of the ice berg! we nid to read up alot more! she also feels the sch's system is extremely screwed up esp for clinicals..cuz yur clinican might give u a pass grade but in the end u might still fail..it all depends on the school eventually and nobody noes exactly how they grade everything. she also feels tht scholars tend to do better generally even if they aint tht fantastic and it's juz rrly made me worried.
i cant help but think wad if im attached wif a scholar and say we get posted to SGH..and the general trend there is tht one person will pass and the other will fail..den wud tht mean i dun even stand a fighting chance? i rrly shudder at the tot man! clinicals is 16 credits points leh! HAIZ. i dun have the luxury of a high GPA to cushion on even if tht happens!
the feeling sucks to think SHIT MAN i shud have backed my bags and juz gone straight to aussie last yr. DAMN RIGHT the lecturers wud b of better quality to start wif and DAMN RIGHT the fascilities wud b better and DAMN RIGHT the playing field over there wud have been fairer(aiyah over here once someone is given the SMART label it doesnt matter if u r as good; you'd still have to go by a longer route to reach yur destination).
yeah im a boring person..constantly raking up the past to tok abt..but it's juz so hard and painful; to haf had smth so much better staring at me right in the face and i simply turned in the opposite direction and chose smth else. i gave up such a GOLDEN opportunity. the past always has its way of creeping frm behind and slapping you in the face.

i hope i din offend anyone..im juz expressing wad i rrly feel inside of me.

frm nxt wk onwards lessons will end at abt 5 or 6 everyday and im starting night classes soon..so..i've got to try and stay sane and really start mugging. i wud like to think i still have a fighting chance to raise my GPA..i HOPE! *crossing my fingers* for now, im juz aiming to end yr 2 sem 1 smoothly.
at the end of the day..despite all the ranting...we all noe there's no turning back now..and whether we like it or not we're in this tgt..so hopefully we'll b able to help each other soar to greater heights! (:

100th post!

2008-04-17T23:38:00.005+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD! i LOVE you sO SO much!!!
it's such a blessing to share the same bdae wif my daddy.

so many thanks to qing, tricia, caryn, su su, jac, peigin, shi min!!! thank you for the absolutely BEAUTIFUL album! i really love it so much! wen they showed up at the club room i was like in shock! and they juz stood in the middle of nowhere and started singing.. den wen i saw the album i tot i'd juz cry. the feeling is indescribable.. im rrly extremely touched. thanks for the slippers too! :)) *beaming* im eternally grateful tht all these beautiful pple are a part of my life..wun trade it for the world.

db gals gave me a whole bag of snacks! haha..so sweet of them! but as if im not fat enuf! LOL even gave me TWO packets of chilli sauce to go wif the bbq chick snack! *faints* LOL

this is my 100th post and how nice it is tht im writing it on both daddy and my bdae.

thank you to all my frens who rmbered my bdae and sent beautiful wishes.
God bless all of you!

dinner tmr wif jeMXPH..looking forward to it.

MOMENTS that take your breath away

2008-04-16T23:28:00.003+08:00

fri: ended attachment. i said my goodbyes. i was actually..kinda sad..i AM an sentimental person. will always rmb how the patients made us (Joyce and i) laugh and their encouraging words on our last day of attachment.

and it's back to school on monday!
thus far..i feel like my engine's struggling to start yet im pulling the car anyway. suddenly we're faced wif so many modules( 8 to be exact)! and so little time! feel kinda lost becuz we're learning alot of new things..and well i think i shud b spending more time in the lib finding reference books.

still struggling to finish my clinical log book..sighz..i've been putting it off for so long..and finally it's due this fri..HOLY CRAP! HAHA!

well today's CP pract was..interesting, exhilarating, fun, weird..HAHA. draw out the lung on each other! HAHA..this day i will rmb for this! (:

thanks fellow classmates for celebrating all the April birthdays! i think it's such a coincidence tht FIVE of us were born in the same month and even better in the same week! HAHA 21st bdae wud be an interesting one :))

juz got off the line wif genevieve..cant believe she called to sing me HAPPY BIRTHDAY! so touched! and i always rrly enjoy talking to you! all the best for your remaining papers! i'll be there encouraging you and reminding u to focus! get back yur fire and drive, gen! God Bless!

i am thankful.

2008-04-04T20:46:00.002+08:00

im THANKFUL for

being able to get out of bed each morning
for the healthy limbs tht allow me to walk, run, change my clothes, wear my shoes; to be mobile independently
the fresh air i can breathe in everyday
the ability to feed myself
the food i can taste and swallow on my own
the ability to wriggle my tongue
the ability to swallow my saliva so it doesnt juz drip out
the ability to speak coherently
the ability to piss and crap without needing someone else to clean up for me
my good health
my family
my friends
the people whom i meet randomly ( like the guy working in BVH at the reception who happened to tke the same bus wif me this morning, and he started sharing his experience doing volunteer work wif cerebral palsy children)
the attachments tht allow me to see how we have made at least 1 person everyday happy wif wad we r doing for them and they are grateful; further reinforcing tht this is smth i wanna do for the rest of my life

im thankful for all these and more.

waking up sometimes just dreading the day..but coming to work seeing patients smile and wave at you, no doubt makes you feel better but also, more importantly, puts ME to shame; these people have nth to b cheery abt and yet they r so happy, but we how can our little trivial problems ever compare to theirs. Patients, in their own way, really can teach you how to lead your life, which speaks volumes thru their actions.

for me..it's definitely something to work on to change my attitude towards life.

learning alot in clinicals thus far in theory and practical (and alot of life skills).

i am THANKFUL for everything :)

~sadly, all good things must come to an end~

2008-03-25T16:19:00.003+08:00

technically today's my last day of holiday; starting attachment tmw.
it will be a 3 week stint at Bright Vision Hospital..and then immediately aft tht, school will b starting. totally sian to the max! why cant holidays last FOREVER! haha!
starting year 2 so soon..not ready for the challenges tht lie ahead..
year 1 was awesome in so many ways...apart from academic tht is; i havent even hit a gpa of 3 (seriously getting increasingly worried and i wonder if i work harder will it even help)- 'you will reap wad u sow' is definitely juz bull and crap..i can definitely testify to tht.
although im not in any uni..and im not gg to graduate wif a bachelor degree or anything of tht sort..but im thankful for where im..and it's not smth tht can b justified in black and white becuz the pple here (MY classmates) r so wonderful and awesome..and i wudnt trade tht for the world. everyday in school is so much fun and it definitely has helped me get thru yr 1 esp wen the gg was tough. Praise the Lord!
it's becoming increasingly clear to me tht there's a possiblity tht i might not b able to go to Aussie to do my degree conversion..becuz of the stiff competition in physiotherapy over there..but wad shi min told me actually gave me fresh perspective- 'to do my best now and the rest tht's not in our control..juz leave it'- and i guess she's right..
i need to trust more in Him and believe tht He'll make a way no matter wad.

anyway juz back frm watching Step Up 2 wif classmates. Nice show! next on my list wud be Made of Honour..featuring Patrick Demsey (*drools*)! btw Grey's Anatomy is the Best Show ever! Seriously it is! HAHA!

having the time of my life!

2008-03-17T12:43:00.007+08:00

it's been such a GREAT holiday thus far! thinking back i think it's the best break i've ever had man!

took part in the SAVA MR 500 on the 8th and 9th of march..and we emerged plate champions in the women's category which we combined wif the RP gals. nice and funny bunch of pple i wud say. winning was...so sweet. although we din get to row in the grand finals..which we shud have qualified if not for us being in the heats wif so many stronger teams...and looking at the results for the grand finals we cld have gotten 2nd if we were in it..OH well life goes on..we'll win back the medal the nxt time round...for now this is good enuf. i've been waiting to win smth for so long..and hopefully this is starting to change..all the tears and sweat..i cant wait for it to pay off.

alright nxt highlight..i went to TAIWAN wif my classmates; qingying, tricia, shi min, jaclyn, caryn..juz came back last night. it was so SO fun man! there were so many occasions we were laughing so hard some of us were either 'hypeventilating' or tearing...HAHA. i think my lungs expanded quite a bit thru all these! we definitely got to know more of each other thru the trip and hopefully it's strengthened our frenship..luckily we din come back sworn enemies..haha. thanks tricia and shi min for being our main navigators i think all yur personalities r so dynamic tht i cant imagine without anyone of you. we shud do this more often. and i hope one day we'll b able to do humanitarian work overseas as qualified physiotherapists.
the weather was rrly nice on some days..cooling and windy. i wud say i prefer Taiwan compared to Hong kong..fersly it's easier to communicate and the pple there r nice..more civilised and not so rough. wad i rrly loved were their railways..they have so many different kinds of trains and they run like clock work..super on time. shall blog abt it in more detail some time soon..for now it's unpacking and spending some quality family time.

checked my results and well it was disappointing. although i did improve alittle but to me it's not enuf..considering i studied much harder this sem. sighz..but oh well life goes on..and i've rrly got to learn to let go. clinicals starting nxt week; praying for the best..hopefully i'll learn alot and i'll do better this time round. OH YES im being posted to Bright vision hospital..

i have SO MUCH to say.

2008-02-28T23:19:00.003+08:00

the last few days have been rather nice i guess. no worrying abt revision waiting to b done..or tests to prepare for..purely chilling out..sat at Gloria Jean's on wednesday wif cuijing and we juz talked..and talked..and talked. totally relishing the feeling of not having to worry abt work.haha.

but fun and laughter aside..the last few days i've had my share of heartaches and dilema.

well on wed..went out wif PT classmates to try and get su's bdae present. i had to leave earlier to meet my parents at Heartland mall to collect my fone. but on one hand i felt bad cuz at tht time we still hadnt gotten anything yet and when qing asked me to hang ard for awhile more i juz cldnt say no. and so i had to make my parents wait for ME and of cuz i got tht black face frm them. and den my dad had to tell me..he was utterly disappointed in me and tht he expected more frm me.

it's so difficult to please everyone. i have to fulfill my obligation as a fren as well as a daughter. oh mayb the decision is simple isit..of cuz the latter is more impt.

BUT i juz cant help but feel tht my parents still expect tht i spend alot more time at home. they expect me to think abt them before i think abt myself. mayb im supposed to do tht..it shud come naturally issit? i duno. as i grow older i find it so hard. to make the right decisions and to please everyone. and at the end of the day i feel tht wad i wan for myself is compromised becuz of my family. i wanna fly..i wanna do anything as i wish..but i feel like my wings are clipped.

i wanna migrate! i wanna go away! start my own freaking life!

i declined the opportunity to be a camp instructor actually mainly bcuz of my family. my mum was saying why u wanna spend so much time away frm home..i shud stay at home and help my bro if he nids help..and at the back of my mind there's this voice telling me tht i nid to spend more time wif my granny becuz who else will? seriously who else will. but i rrly wanna do the camp. of cuz in the end they'll say it's up to you wad u wanna do but wad's wif the black face u give me man.

but it's not tht i find spending time wif my family a chore..juz tht why do my frens haf it so much easier on them wen it comes to making decisions..they'll base their decisions on wad they want for themselves ...why dun they haf to think so much abt their family fers. why issit onli me? and i feel now it comes so naturally for me..tht i wld think abt the time im spending away frm home n it wld juz make me reject smth tht cld be an experience of a lifetime. but i hate tht feeling man.

i HATE being the eldest! i rly HATE it! i have to think abt my siblings in everything i do. i mean wen my sister's my age will she be expected stay home instead of gg out to help a younger sibling wif homework? where im coming frm it's rrly hard for alot of pple to relate to but tht's my life..has been, is now, will be. i cant break away frm all these...i wan to but i cant. i'll always haf to base my decisions on how other's will feel.

however at the end of all these..wld i rather a family who 'controls' me or wld i rather haf a family tht juz leaves me to do as i wish. sometimes i rrly think it's so difficult to talk abt all these to another person cuz it seems to me tht it's onli my family tt's like this and the very bottomline is tht i haf no idea wad i wan man.

anyway nxt week will b meeting up wif my dear jc frens to do a farewell gift for a good fren who'll b gg overseas to study. i hope nxt week will b worth it..me giving up the camp and all.
i hope it was the RIGHT decision after all.

FINALLY able to breathe properly...

2008-02-23T22:41:00.007+08:00

well well finished exams on thurs. on the whole..dun rrly have much confidence for the papers..so im rrly praying hard tht hopefully it wun turn out too bad.hopefully it'll b better then last semester. hopefully. just hopefully.

first things first. i need to enjoy myself thoroughly frm now till the 26th of March; when attachment starts and serious work begins. although im gg to have almost one month of holiday BUT wen is hafing fun ever enuf? haha it can go on forever! OH yes..i'll be going to Taiwan frm the 11th to the 16th of March with my classmates shi min, qing, tricia, caryn and jac...extremely nice pple but in class we mostly stand alone..HAHAHA..looking forward to it and i rrly hope we have a blasting good time there!

alright..ytd we 'kicked off ' a string of post-exam activities wif dinner at Timbre @ Art House. it was awesome. food was good. drinks were good. band was good. and most importantly the company was brilliant. seriously think oldies are goodies man! anyway last night was full house man..originally we booked a table cuz there were so many of us but in the end we arrived like half an hour late and they had alrdy given up our table PLUS we missed happy hour by,like, 5 mins! haha wad a waste! luckily, though, we got a table..albeit it was too small and we had to squeeze like crazy.

ordered 3 pizza, and we had them divided half-half so tht we cld haf two different flavours on each pizza. SO in the end we managed to try like SIX different types! the pizzas were mouth-wateringly good man. absolutely a to die for. all of us ordered a round of drinks. i ordered 'sex on the beach' which turned out to b rrly NICE. we finished our drinks quite quickly so we ended up ordering 2 pints of Heinekein beer. nice NICE.

qing can tie the chery's stalk into a knot by just using her tongue! seriously wonder how she does it! probably strong glossus muscles!haha

left the place at ard 11.40..the total bill was abt $200 plus i think. din manage to catch the last NEL train so took 80 home. tricia and i missed the bus even though we did a 2x100m shuttle run for the bus. but actually, technically, we din miss the bus..the bus driver juz refused to stop for us even though tricia was at his door and he turned to look at her. such an idiotic bus driver. the nxt bus was like 15mins ltr. sighz.

anyway my fone's kinda considered dead alr. cant hear the caller. actually intended to juz leave it alone and wait till a later date to change my fone. BUT then ytd jac and i had such a hard time finding our directions and locating where caryn and the gang were. sms-ing juz isnt efficient enuf. in the end we had to ask a passer-by for her fone. SO embarrassing. jac had left her fone in caryn's bag which had all the directions in there. yay so went to get a new fone today. rrly nt smth fantastic but i guess it's the best of the bunch. will miss my sliding previous fone...haha

went back for dragonboat trg. competitions coming up on the 8th and 9th of march. hopefully we'll win smth this time round. hopefully.

dreaded yr end EXAMS!

2008-02-17T12:05:00.003+08:00

HOLY CRAP! tml's the start of Semestral exams!
it's juz coming on too fast!
cant believe after this i'll b ending my first year alrdy..it's rrly REALLY fast.
praying really hard i'll do better this time round to compensate for my last sem results...
not tht im more confident...and more prepared..
on the contrary im actually very uncertain abt nxt wk...VERY i wld say...
but im rrly juz praying for divine intervention!

cant wait for all this to be over!!
HOLIDAYS coming soon!!!!! =)

feel so trapped

2008-02-08T22:56:00.001+08:00

seeing your name being mentioned in someone else's blog..knowing tht you are remembered after all these times even though you seldom contact each other is truly a heartwarming and incredible feeling. it's rrly hard to describe how great the feeling is to haf touched someone's life without even knowing it..and i realise i derive so much pleasure from it.

read (da)jiamin's blog and she mentioned once again about the sms i sent her during As tht she has saved in her hp all this time. in all honesty i cant rmb wad i said to her but it gave her new perspective to do better for the nxt paper aft the demoralising Maths paper 1. aft i read tht in her blog i tot i cld juz cry man! and i juz wanted to give her a huggg. HAHA. i havent spoken nor met up wif her for the longest time ever! damn!

this has been the reason why since young i've always wanted to b in the healthcare line.
although yes the study of the human body is indeed intriguing and wad's more it's learning abt God's amazing works..how perfect our body's been made; the angle our bones are aligned in our body and its' thickness to withstand body forces is to such accuracy there no debate abt it
but i think for me, personally, it's more about how i'll b able to help pple and get them better.
i wanna go to a third world country to help the destitue and the sick.
the worse the conditions are i wanna b there to help..to b tht light in the window for them..and make tht difference in their life.
it's rrly my heart's desire to get out of spore..either migrate to a slower paced country where it's not abt rushing to c as many patients as possible but to b able to engage wif the patients..or to travel around the world to visit the most poverty-stricken places to help the pple.

shimin asked me the other day..why do i wanna migrate juz because i wanna carve a life of my own when i can do it right here in spore..and actually it set me thinking why did i actually have such a thinking.. why has this desire burned so strongly in me all these years..
and then i finally realised the reason why;
i've been in my comfort zone all these years. i have everything; a nice hse, we own a car, i go to school, i have frens and family. and it will still be like this now or 5 yrs ltr or 10 yrs ltr. i feel like there's nth for me to fight for. the stark reality in working life is tht the opportunities will be given to scholars (well we all noe how spore works..the brightest get everything ) and so aft a few years of working my ass off i'll juz be resigned to being a normal emplyee..to remain invisible and do wad im supposed to do. life wld juz b a monotonus and mundane drumbeat.
whereas overseas..i'll have to start wif nth..i've got to build my own life frm scratch. away from home n familiar grounds. wen i finally rch somewhere and i carved a name for myself at least i can rrly say i struggled..for once. now wad im struggling for is juz to pass exams so i'll get a job and earn just enuf to b sufficient to meet my needs..the drive to succeed juz wldnt b there because my parents r here...i'll always feel like i can fall back on them no matter wad. i rrly need to get out of my comfort zone.

once again someone said something condescending abt my course during visiting today.
really sad because it's frm a close cousin. and she's younger then me. i mean if it's frm someone im absolutely not close wif i wldn't rrly b so bothered. i mean..haiz..got nth much to say abt such behaviour anymore. and the thing was tht i was trying so hard to help her cuz she was complaining of back pain. seriously i shudnt have bothered. HAIZ.

crying out in desperation

2008-02-04T21:54:00.001+08:00

"Tears don’t have time to well up, they dry before given a chance to run down your cheeks. Of course, we think time heals all wounds and this would be just another experience that needs to be healed. If what comes after is all smooth sailing then that, would be our remedy - if not it’s salt on wounds that leaves scars carved deeply" --- David

came across these words in David's blog and felt the emotions radiating out from these words so true of wad i've been feeling of late. at this very moment i feel like im on this bullet train; not able to jump off but yet looking at the passing patures outside the window it makes it so tempting to just let go of everything and throw my hands up in the air. everything is just swirling around me now while im typing this. milion and one things tht r waiting to be done but yet i dun feel the drive despite my deep hunger to excel in this course.

it's been TESTS after TESTS! i fall down n i dun even haf time to pick myself up before i nid to throw myself back into the lion's den. suddenly i ask myself does anyone know im falling apart deep down inside. all the craziness and laughter during the day is juz a fasade. at night in the silence all the cuts, the bruises and scars sustained during the day seem to reappear. wadever sadness or feelings of doubt tht i had brushed away during the day seem so clear now. but even in the night i dun have time to brood over all of these things for fear tht i might loose those precious mins tht cld b better spent on studying.

im a person hu need lots of reassurance and i get lost easily and i'll b doubting and questioning is all these worth it; i nid someone to constantly reassure me tht all these struggles will be worth it in the end and steer me back into course.

was on the line wif xueyun just now..nvr planned it but it really came as a great relieve. toking to her is always a joy; constant laughter about the weirdest of tings. it somehow nvr fails to be a remedy to all my problems and it always tkes my mind off things. we understand each other and i juz loose myself to the conversation. i dun care tht it's getting late and there's no time to study..toking to her just makes it feel like everything will b alright.

i nid to tke a breather!

2008-01-17T23:19:00.001+08:00

my life now is beyond crazy.
today ( 17/1/2008): had physiology practical test- Neuroanatomy+ muscles+nerves
nxt thursday (24/1/2008): Anatomy practical test- Histology + head and neck muscles + skull
following wk: kine practical test- Palpation, ROM, MMT, excercise prescription (?)
aft tht(the week of CNY): psychology exam and EPA practical viva voce
Aft cny: Semestral exams!!!!

in addition i have a presentation nxt week, which is during the Anat pract wk, and it's related to the EPA pract :( how to find the time!

i seriously think i nid another brain. im still so far behind in terms of preparation for the tests and exams.
this has definitely got to be the worst January i've ever had in my life.literally. nvr ever had to study so hard right at the beginning of the year. wad a way to begin it man.

PHYSIOTHERAPY is so STRESSFUL! seriously man..it sucks the life right out of you. really.no kidding.
BUT i rrly nida press on..got so much to prove..not juz to myself but to the pple around me..esp to my relatives..some hu have actually publicly scorned at wad im doing..do they think im stupid or wad...super angry man!

I need to pray harder and trust more. " Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith".

wonderful people in my life

2008-01-05T01:00:00.001+08:00

to my dear Genevieve: im so thankful tht God had put u in my life. i rrly hated my secondary sch yrs. rmb wad happened to me in sec 1; i will nvr forget wad clorine did to me. it's a part of my history i haf nvr toked abt for so many yrs but yet it still burns so deeply in my mind. u were the one hu made it so much more bearable. i will always rmb the times we studied tgt. went to each other's hses. chatted on the phone discussing work till the wee hrs of the morning on a sch day. and how we always managed to juz haf so much to tok to each other abt always. and aft like almost 3 yrs, toking over the phone wif u last night and we still had so much to share. we literally toked thru the night! it's rrly amazing how we nvr rrly drifted apart all these years..there juz seems to b something holding us tgt.
i know starting this new chapter of yur life can be difficult. but i noe as well deep down inside yur fighting spirit and u will definitely get thru this. trust in Him always. 'dun worry. He is in control of everything'.
OH and btw u too will definitely be seated beside the VIP table on my wedding day! love u loads and thank you so much for being such a wonderful person and a great fren to me.

went out wif my dear JC frens this evening. it was great fun! as it always has been. it has been such a long time all 7 of us haf gone out all tgt. as we go our seperate paths and write for ourselves another chapter in our lives, i pray tht it will b a great yr for all of you and tht you will b a blessing to pple u r going to meet as well as be blessed by them. Be safe.

an experience that was so much more than AMAZING!!!

2007-12-25T23:57:00.001+08:00

Merry Christmas to all!!

back frm holiday which was one of the best trips i've ever had. it was rrly lovely. quite sad to be back actually. to b frank, going there on our own we were able to rrly immerse and blend in wif the pple there and they're really REALLY very nice; they will greet u along the streets or in restaurants and go out of the way to help if we r in need of direction. and wad's more service everywhere was fantastic. after awhile we learnt to constantly keep a smile on our face to b prepared in case some passerby suddenly said hi. n now back home we haf to switch to the tao face haha..asians rrly cannot make it man..why r we so proud and unfriendly towards each other? Goodness! after this trip its made me wanna migrate more then ever. Cant wait to go there to study.

alright shall touch on wad we covered the past few days:

Saturday (15/12/2007)- the service on board qantas was nice; when the air steward or stewardness said thank you u can feel tht it's coming frm the heart and not like SIA; rrly superficial and quite fake i wld say. and the music they played when we juz boarded the plane was so nice! seriously. we arrived in perth beyond schedule becuz of some delays on british airways at the heathrow airport and so we had to wait for passengers hu were transitting in spore to perth. when we arrived in the wee hours of the morning it was pretty bright alr. got our rented car and off we went to find some food. it was freezing outside; abt 15 degrees. we went to swan valley and visited Lake Monger before heading to Freemantle. went to haf lunch at the famous Cicerello's Fish and Chips..honestly it wasn't tht fantastic; too oily..but they were quite innovative..majong paper wrapping for the food and wireless technology to call us wen our orders were ready. aftwhich we went to their market which sold alot of interesting local stuff. our last destination for the day was Mandurah where we checked into our motel. this part of the yr there are lotsa flies and they aim for yur face man. disgusting! but throughout the day it was freezing; never more then 17 degrees.

Sunday (16/12/2007)- beginned the day wif delicious breakfast at a restaurant; Egg mania..the food was undescribably good. headed out of mandurah, and had a good drive along their rivers where we saw houses which had short jetties to the waters and they had their boats parked there, and then towards Harvey. visited one of the wineries there. we were all under the impression tht magaret river wld b the best place to buy wine but this information guy( who had those big and thick glasses..those u onli c in fairy..rrly quite hilarious) advised us against it becuz he was saying the wines there r terribly overpriced and not any different frm wad we cld get frm harvey. we den proceeded to Busselton; walked a 2m long jetty which was narrow and without railings to rch an underground observatory. had an interesting tour of the place but the walk there we were freezing; ghastly winds and rain. alright last but not least we ended our day at magaret river where we checked into a motel; vintages accommadation, the place was lovely and cosy. fell in love wif the place upon entering. this place was opened by a couple as part of their retirement job they r such lovely pple. had some trouble finding food cuz it was a sunday and u noe how 'hardworking' ang moh's are..but anw we had a great dinner at a spagetti place..yum yum. the day was still very cold.

Monday (17/12/2007)- mum made breakfast so we ate in. our fers stop was at Lake cave. saw alot of spider's nest..quite a sight. and we managed to climbed down to within the cave..very deep but once again quite a sight. it's an active cave so u can hear water dripping frm the tips of the formation. it's actually still growing. alrighty our next stop was at the Leuwin estate to haf lunch..there were so So many flies! the lunch was super expensive but also super nice! we den went to a candy factory to buy candy..like duh..haha..ltr on we stopped by the chocolate factory..the chocolates there r SUPER nice..but yet again very expensive. our last stop was a lavender farm before we another great dinner. Pizza! fire-cooked! it was once again COLD.

Tuesday (18/12/2007)- left magaret river bright and early and headed to the Cape of Leuwin lighthouse. this was the meeting point of the Indian and Southern Oceans. the winds were tremendously strong and definitely cold. sends shivers down yur spine! went up the lighthouse and it was a picturesque view up there. unfortunately we were 2 wks late or else we wld haf been able to witness the whales migrating. had a little accident here when i bent down to pick some dirt off my slippers and i din noe my sis was bending over me. and so as u can imagine i headed her wif my head. i tot i broke her nose man cuz it was quite hard but luckily it was juz her lips tht i hit..though it was bleeding quite abit but i was rrly quite relieved. haha. Sorry sis!! we went to the Beedelup National Park to c the waterfall b4 heading to Pemberton, which was our pit stop for the day. stayed on a farm. wasnt a very desirable place but oh wells no choice. hiked to the famed Gloucester tree n i wanted to climb it but there were so many flies; was afraid if one landed on my face i'll loose my grip and fall off the bars. the tree was rrly tall and there was a treehouse right at the top. had dinner at this place called the Shamrock restaurant..we ate Kobe beef, trout and their famous Marron..definitely the best but...expensive! today's temp was abit better; nt so cold.

Wednesday ( 19/12/2007)- once u reach wednesday, the wk juz flies by. so i was rrly dreading today. anw started the day wif some eggs collecting and animal feeding. our nxt stop was Walpole. rched there before lunch and checked into our Cabin. it's called Tinglewood Cabins. the place is simply BEAUTIFUL. the pillows were so fluffy and the bedsheets so soft and colourful. there were plenty of towels. we had a verendah and started a fire! the place is very clean and well maintained. it's run by a couple and there're onli 4 cabins but their expanding the place i think. we made frens wif them and found out the husband used to b a computer programmer and he and my mum suddenly had so much in common.ahaha. he bot this huge piece of land for $128000 some 14 ys ago and he's been developing it ever since and they onli permanently moved frm perth last dec. but for tht price he bot the land we cld well build a mansion on it man. even the flats here i think there're more expensive then it right? haha. anw aft hanging out in the cabin which we were so reluctant to leave..we headed to Valley of the Giants which was actually a treetop walk suspended 40m above ground. the scenery was breathtaking. and it was rather windy up there and bridge swayed wif the wind..hahha. alrighty aft tht we went on a scenic drive to the beaches and waters were so clear like our swimming pool waters. so clean=) dinner was at a teahouse in Nanalup where we tasted some exotic food like rabbit and kangaroo meat. but they difinitely weren't cheap. temperature tht day was constantly abt 17 degrees; chilly:))

Thursday ( 20/12/2007)- relunctantly we left the cabins Thulby Herb Farm. had a delicious breakfast there. cheese and ham on turkish bread :))) stopped by a blueberry farm and had blueberry ice cream yum yum. lastly juz before we rched Albany stopped at a wind farm; it had huge turbines spinning and generating electricity. quite a spectacular sight. checked into our hotel at Albany before doing abit of grocery shopping. had dinner in the hotel wif a bottle of wine. NICE. today was still chilly.

Friday (21/12/2007)- left Albany and embarked on our long drive back to Perth city. made a couple of stops along the way though. firstly was the Gap..which were 2 big rocks; one of which belongs to australia and the other to Antartica. each yr the gap between these 2 rocks becomes wider and wider. the scenery was absolutely stunning. it started raining halfway and pple were makng for a dash for their cars. nxt we went to the blowholes, it was raining and the winds were so strong we were literally shivering. but the seas werent rough enuf and so the holes were not blowing. we den headed to Sandalwood factory and ltr on to the woolshed for a cup of tea. rched perth around 6.30pm. we had to travel all the way 2 the airport to return the car cuz their office at perth was alr closed..some miscommunication..they were supposed to wait for us. anw by the time we rched back perth it was almost 10 and super dark. luckily our hotel was in the middle of a shopping district so it was very convenient. temp today still cool.

Saturday (22/12/2007)- SHOPPING DAY TODAY! travelled ard the city to the malls. they haf busses tht travel within the city area FOC. we shld haf tht in spore shldnt we..haha.

Sunday ( 23/12/2007)- started our day very early. joined a tour to the pinnacles. went to the sand dunes and had an awesome time on the four wheel drive. we even did sand boarding. aft travelling the whole day it was the highlight man. At the sand dunes we were in a sand storm..and the winds were so strong tht sand was flying around everywhere. Wen we went back to the bus we had sand everywhere..even in our ears! Hahaha. A lot of restaurants were closed except for the Chinese restaurants so we juz decided to eat in the hotel. Den we headed over the supreme court to watch their caroling. It was beautiful. Pple were sitting on the grasspatch carrying candles and choirs were singing; they hail frm churchs, schs, and the Australian choir..rrly talented wif beautiful voices. Ended the whole performance wif a spectacular fireworks display. Stunning beyond words. Way better then our ndp ones. Before we noe it we’ve come to the end of our day and our trip. Very sad. And it was starting to warm up.

Monday( 24/12/2007)- our last day was basically picking up some last min items packing our stuff and waiting for taxi and waiting for our plane. The roads were quite empty and our cab driver was saying everyone’s left the city to go back home. how nice how x’mas is celebrated over there. It’s nth like spore all the elaborate décor but simple decorations but u can feel the festive spirit in the pple. It’s so sincere. They wish u merry x’mas on the streets, in shops, and even the cleaning lady wished me. The feeling is juz so different.

Oh well I guess all good things haf to come to an end.

Thank you Lord for your protection during the trip. it was amazing.

How i wished i was still SO young...

2007-12-10T23:20:00.001+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JIA LING!

dear sis,

hope u enjoyed this yr's dinner for yur bdae! you're like ONLY 10 yrs old. goodness tht was like so long ago for me wen i celebrated my 10th bdae. lol.

i wanna be young again! so many tings i wld haf done differently.

BUT we onli get to walk this road once and so i wanna tell you to enjoy yur childhood thoroughly while you can. love yur life now man!

i noe you haf this aspiration to become a doctor one day, like i did many MANY moons ago, work very hard towards tht goal and never give up. knock every obstacle down if u haf to. i haf confidence in you to fulfill this dream of yours and also the very thing i wanted to do since i was very young.

for me i haf come to accept my shortcomings tht im not as smart as both of you so im counting on you my dear! hahaha mum and dad will b so proud :)

but anw wadever u decide to become in the future i'll still love you n i'll b there for you..as long as u dun become some sort of criminal haha.

God loves you very much!

hugs and kisses,

your sis =)

2007-12-06T22:38:00.000+08:00

im juz so SO tired of everything. my life. especially my studies. but seriously juz everything.
aft so much effort. so many hours of lost sleep. ultimately it amounts to nth. wad's the use?
it's like a viscious cycle.
anatomy pract today really hit me hard. for the past few weeks i was slogging so hard for it and den wen i went in i had so much difficulty recalling the stuff. i fumbled during the fers few qns and at tht point i cld rrly feel my heart beating so fast and for a moment juz a moment i rrly wanted to throw in the towel and give up. it was tht bad.

at this point of time im rrly crying out to God. i feel myself juz falling apart inside.crumbling. i duno if i haf the strength to go on. it rrly hurts tht aft all u've put in it's NEVER enuf. and i mean NEVER. is God punishing me? i mean im not lazy or anything. He doesnt seem to answer my prayers.
i noe deep down there's a reason behind all these but now at this very moment i rrly dun get everything. how my life is. how it has always been. im sad wif myself as to why im like this.

dear Lord, your ways are not my ways. help me to understand things as they are and to take heart that you are in control of everything. forgive me for doubting. i come before You humbled and contrite to ask for peace and strength and wisdom from You. Amen.

2007-11-23T18:52:00.000+08:00

stressful stuff aside, i've come up wif a list of criteria tht my knight in shining armour has to possess..HAHA

first and foremost he MUST love me and accept me of all my flaws.
a very family-oriented person.
love and respect my parents like his own.
holding a stable job (preferable in the healthcare sector).
a decisive person who can make swift decisions but not rash ( cuz im definitely not tht kind of person; i tke ages even to decide on the simplest things..haha)
a christian OR catholic man who serves actively in church. ( not just go to church becoz it's like cool)
he doesnt smoke, drink excessively, club/ pub, do drugs.
enjoys the outdoors; adventurous ( who loves like backpacking, scuba diving and stuff).
i wanna be his first love.

haiz but this kind of guy where to find man! it's too perfect! oh well i guess i shld juz pray abt it..if GOd leads me to someone almost close to this den it's He's will for me.

2007-11-17T01:26:00.000+08:00

well i've been trying to study more. trying to keep up wif the workload rather then letting it pile up.
but it rrly gets tiring. how do pple tke it man like constantly mugging.
i'll go CRAZY! =) my steam kinda juz died down by thurs and i felt like i was on steriods the past few days and suddenly it was tken off me and i juz felt totally nua man...

last 2 days there has been a constant chatter abt how difficult it is for physiotherapists to climb up the career ladder if u r juz an ordinary physio. not a scholar nth. it's very depressing.
and the sensitive topic abt pay neverr fails to come up.
we're earning lesser then RGs and RTs and it's almost equivalent to nurses' pay. the sums somehow juz dun add up. the amt we study is so much more then nurses but wad we get doesnt complement it at all. not even close. i mean alot of pple will say money if not eveything..but c'mon reality man.

haiz i rrly REALLY wanna migrate. i wanna go away frm this place. get away frm the hussel and bussel of this country. carve a life of my own. i dun wanna ride on my parent's bandwagon. i feel so judged being here. so suppressed. im not happy being here. i rrly duno how the future will work out but it's in God's hands i guess juz got to trust.

so many of my classmates alr donated blood before! but i seriously havent plucked up the courage yet and also i havent felt compelled to do it yet. yar im still very childish living in a world of my own. i guess im not rdy but it shldnt b this hard leh. haha.

anw biomechanics suck ..toally cant do it manz! im getting a little bit worried abt exams for this. goodness man. alright weekends are here. without trg i rrly hope it wont go to waste.

2007-11-04T18:30:00.000+08:00

it's so dejavu. going home without a medal yet again. the feeling sucks big time.
but seriously if i think abt it i dun think we cld haf done anything differently. i feel tht we gals rrly did go all out. but i guess our best juz wasnt enuf.
we're not good enuf i guess as compared to the other teams.

ok well we got third for the Opens race but onli the best of third from all the heats will get into semi-finals but our timing din make the cut. den for IVP race we got LAST. like last leh..totall sucked manz! like i said dejavu. but last but not least our mixed team got second for the heats and so they qualified for the semi-finals which was held today. However, we came in last..haizzz..
but i guess it was an improvement la cuz the seniors said they din even come back on the 2nd day for the semi-finals last yr..haha..

Johnson put me dwn for Opens and IVP women races, of which i was rather shocked cuz i tot i'll onli b gg dwn for one race. on one hand i was glad but on the other it was quite sad tht min min din get to go dwn for at least one of these 2. n den u went dwn for mixed onli to get replaced today by someone else. i mean c'mon man u were also part of the effort to get the team into semi. i noe the feeling juz sucks big time. and seriously i dun c myself or any other person who went dwn instead of u stronger then you. n i dun think some of them deserve it as much as u. oh well like i always say life is juz unfair and it sucks alot of the times. life is hard.

the team'll most likely b getting a new coach. well johnson is good la..but mayb a change might b good. oh and johnson was sick over this wkend which is rrly quite funny cuz throughout all these months he nvr fell sick before den during regatta he had to b sick. he was like lying dwn on the canvass so poor thing.

at the spore river there were so many ang mohs manz..wahlao...haha.some were quite hot manz! anw they rrly can drink alot..so early in the morning drink beer alr..hahaha..

alright manz rrly nid to study.. this whole weekend totally havent touched any books and i think im falling sick. blocked nose and abit of sore throat. sighz..audrey's lesson for kine i totally catch no balls manz she tch like bullet train..havent even palpate finish she go next thing liao..shit man. sianz.

oh ya went to find peigin tgt wif min min juz now. we were so lucky to catch her before she left her workplace. fated manz..hahahaha

2007-11-02T23:22:00.000+08:00

it's finally here! the day we've been training so hard all these months is like HERE! nv tot i'd feel nervous cuz it's a team event wad not doing it on yur own. but im seriously feeling the jitters. afraid tht i wun b chosen to go dwn for the race tml. but also worried tht even if i go dwn for the race smth might happen tht will cause us to lose. so many things cld happen tml. it's out of our hands. im trying hard to focus on the Lord in trusting tht He is in control of everything and knows what He's doing.
this is smth i havent been doing of late..i've been getting exasperated tht i cant finish studying and i juz cant find the peace in myself.
and so im praying more then ever for peace from You. tht wadever happens will happen for a reason.
tml we juz got to row wif one heart and one soul for the ultimate goal. there's no turning back. no second chances. rmber all the trgs we've had. all the sweat and tears. Regatta is where we shld make all of this worthwhile. all the best to us! :)

2007-10-22T20:45:00.000+08:00

i noe there's so much reading up to do for each module and yet i dun have the drive to mug.
wad's the matter wif me!
everytime i open up my manual or book to read..my mind starts wondering. i start walking ard the house, lying on my bed..doing absolutely nth productive.
inertia is rrly a bad thing. my engine is stalling! i nid a mechanic fast!

anw ytd rowing was rrly funny. COACH FELL INTO THE WATER!! and someone was the culprit! dun worry my lips r sealed. hohoho..omg i cldnt stop laughing aft it happened! comp's rrly cuming up! my goodness! less then 2 wks sia. haiz...those gg dwn for the race will onli b notified on the day itself..wad if im one of the discarded goods...will rrly curse and swear manz..

hey brother: i noe sometimes u feel rrly angry and mis-interpreted. but they're still our parents. and none of us has the right to raise our voice and argue. they deserve our respect even if they may b rong sometimes. and i think there's a lesson to this tht sometimes it's good to humble ourselves. life's not always abt winning all the arguments..it's important to tke a step back. mayb it's because of the different way they brought me up as compared to you and sis. the things u have and the liberty tht has been given to you at yur age now r not things tht i had when i was yur age. my childhood wasnt happy and fun and rosy. it was hellish. dad's rrly toned down over the years. i wld say those days when i was subjected to the many hours of gruelling scoldings and beatings it rrly has definitely instilled a certain degree of fear towards my parents. i wldn't have dared to tok back like how u did tht day. yet the bad thing of my up-bringing rrly is tht it seriously dented my self-esteem. by alot. i find myself always doubting my ability in almost every aspect of my life but wad i c in u is confidence in yurself and i rrly admire tht and envy you. if i cld onli turn back time. i love u and i onli wan the best for you. pls humble youself.
with much love,
yur sis.

2007-10-16T23:24:00.001+08:00

wah today is ultimately the worse day ever. had a total of 7 hours of lesson today; 2 hrs physiology den 2 hrs human biomechanics and finally 3 hours of practical. had trg in the evening as well. i ended lesson at 5pm! tues and thurs i end at 5 and wed alternate wks i end at 5! onli mon and fri at least can tke alil breather. BUT looking at the modules i rrly doubt so..i mean most of the manuals are almost double the thickness now and we have like 6 modules as compared to 5 last sem..2nd day of sch and im totally like sinking..drowning..struggling. Help!

i think i nid to leave db soon cuz i seriously dun think i can cope wif both wif the workload so heavy this semester. and i dun think it's gonna get any better.

this is so much harder den i tot. how m i gonna survive this semester...haizz..so tired.

2007-10-14T22:24:00.000+08:00

tmr is the start of sem 2! im totally not prepared. not rdy. to lead tht crazy life for another 4 months. anat, physiology, kine etc..i wan to faint..how? but i MUST do well manz! i nid to step it up! just 100% focus!
nxt sem 3 weeks of attachment..my goodness. but i will survive!
im so looking forward to the mid-sem break..haha..going to perth! nth interesting. but it's rrly juz tking a step back, and have some fun and chill wif my family. been doing lotsa research on the place cuz we'll b driving in perth..i think it'll b quite a holiday..my dad's been wanting to do this for years..and finally we're doing it. haha. i cld also mayb explore more of perth considering the fact tht i'll most likely b spending at least a yr there to do my degree conversion in the near future.

looking back..this semestral break was quite great la..occasional outings wif u wonderful pple..and dragonboat trgs..but lazing ard at home was equally fun..juz doing nth..lazing in bed till noon, haf lunch, watch dvds, tok to my granny..no regrets..nth i wld have done differently this hols. it's been good. and i guess it's time to overcome the inertia and get cracking:)

this thing tht's been going on i wish it wld stop. it's like flying a kite; when i try to pull it closer to me it flies further away. den wen i decide to give tht string some slack you try to pull it back but nv strong enuf..mostly half hearted..leaving me confused wad exactly u wanna do. and so sometimes i compromise and pull the string back by myself hoping u'll tke the hint but u nv do. instead u let the string loose again. and the cycle begins.when will it end and how do we make it stop. but im sure the day will come when the string becomes so long no matter how long u pull it, the kite can no longer fly back to you for it's too far away in some place else. HAPPY. nt wanting to fly back to you for you left it alone to fan for it itself when it needed you.
"Over You" by Daughtery on repeat mode now. i think it's time to move on.

dragonboat..haiz..another depressing thing.

2007-10-09T22:25:00.000+08:00

oh yes peigin had a good time hafing lunch and shopping wif u ytd. absolutely love the pair of shoes we bot ytd. it was CHEAP.haha..oH gosh 2nd shoe i've bot in 2 consecutive wks! haha. retail therapy rocks!

well tried to pack my room today..but onli managed to clear my drawers tht were filled wif chinese worksheets frm sec sch and jc..haha..din rmb i hadnt cleared all those..haha..and den filed my monthly bank statements and phone bills and FINALLY cleared my table of all the clutter.. tml i'll get to clearing my sem 1 manuals..pack them somewhere to make space for new ones..new semester new promise i must work harder and seriously do better.

oh yes while i was packing i chanced upon my letter of offer frm cutin..the course wld b starting tml 10th Oct..it's a 4 mth physics bridging before the degree course starting nxt Feb..cldnt help but feel tht sense of sadness. regret? i mean i have everything here..my loving family, best frens and wonderful pple i wld nvr haf met if i'd gone..but i guess going there rrly is the sense of freedom i yearn. being accountable onli to myself and no one else. i love tht feeling. but well decisions u make in yur life u wldnt noe at the moment if they were the right ones..in my case mayb i'll look back 10 yrs ltr and i sure hope evrything wld have been all worthwhile.

wad i found thru the mess on my table were rough papers filled wif anatomy tht i painstakingly rote down to crammm them into my puny brain b4 the exams over and over again. haha cldnt get them all into the photo. and i felt so relunctant to throw them away but i dun have any use for them anymore..so juz took a foto lor..so neat right?hahahaha

2007-10-01T00:08:00.000+08:00

u noe sometimes i can sense this tinge of favouratism frm you
which makes me subtly dislike u at times
i cant hate u becuz i love you.

it makes me wonder all tht i've done is it worthwhile or even noticed by you
i dun think the rest r better then me
but i dun sense u treating them like how u r to me
mayb im too sensitive? but i rrly feel this way and it's alrdy more then once.
it's sad.. im sad.
so i seek to try and help someone else, in the hope tht wen tht person feels better i will too
to find for myself some happiness and satisfaction in my life now.

anw dragonboat..also alot of problems now.
haiz im juz a junior. cant do anything.
wadever la. competition onli a mth away still in this state.
im juz so tired wif each passing wk packed wif trainings.
seriously wadever la. wadever.

2007-09-29T00:02:00.000+08:00

alright..it's been a good week! praise b to God! but it passed so quickly! there's like onli 2 more wks till sch reopens!! i dun wanna go back to sch! *wines*

last sun..we gals managed to row 2 minutes flat! yeah manz..aft all the scolding frm the coach and tempers flaring in the boat..i guess it worked? haha..but anw our nxt goal shld b under 2 minutes! n i noe we can do it manz! girl power!

mon.. i decided to bake..cookies! but in the end i baked a CAKE! haha cuz the mix was rrly too watery to mould it into cookies. i spent 2 hrs juz mixing..added another egg hoping it will make it less watery..it obviously din work..den added some flour...which clearly din work as well..and so in the end..i was afraid i might add too much flour and juz poison my whole family..so i gave up and juz decided to bake a cake..drats! haha..but anw apart frm it being jus a tad too hard..it turned out quite alright..hahaha!

tue..went to tony and guy to cut my hair..ended up being approached to colour my hair as well..so decided to go for it..well they highlighted onli one side of it..but luckily the lighter colours r underneath..so not tht obvious..but i guess if they juz highlighted the whole head den it wldnt seem like im sprouting white hair on juz one side of my head...haha!! but oh wells it's done! nth can b done..juz enjoy the look! n change the perception!
din go for trg cuz went to attnd the wake of a relative..nt a close relative i wld say..onli c him once a yr during CNY. all i noe was tht he loved goldfish and his hse had like 3 tanks of them...at least 3 generations of goldfish live in those tanks..i applaud him man..i mean my family cant even keep a goldfish pass the 1st generation! haha how pathetic is tht! but anw tht aside, i wld say he rrly suffered prior to his death. this yr wen i visit him during CNY, his belly was so bloated and he cldnt stand up without his leg swelling up because of the fluid build-up. it was so scary. *im rrly juz too lazy to check in matini wad's the medical term for this..and no one online can rmb..haha* anw yea..and he was suffering frm liver cirrhois and liver cancer...basically it's rrly bad..and oh ya he was rrly skinny..like those POWs u c in history books. haiz..life is soO freaking scary. i was juz thinking wad if one day i get diagnosed wif kidney failure, or i get a heart attack, or i was going to die tml..wld i haf had a great today? u noe u cant rmb when was the last time u told yur family n frens u loved them or hugged (or kissed) them, becuz u always think u have forever. but u dont!

anw wed and thurs...basically had dragonboat trg..and spent my mornings watching grey's anatomy...which i absolutely LOVE..it's like when i watch it i feel so inspired..to help other pple:))
oh yes and wed we had another good set..we did it in 2 mins 27 seconds once..which is good for a small boat...which doesnt glide as well as the big boat..but we gotto push harder manz..

and then it's fri! had a movie marathon..but oh wells cldnt watch much cuz most of us had to head home for diner..marsh had netball..caryn had jap lesson..but it was fun..emilie decided we shld get grapes for snacks and she attempted to try and choose the right watermelon but i guess she failed miserably so we settled for chips and grapes and drinks..hohoho..oh and we had a mini celeb for caryn's bdae..HAPPY BIRTHDAY GAL! had 2 snowskin mooncakes as birthday 'cake' for her..and gave her this little sweet toy and Klassic Q which jac and tricia totally wrapped up in SO MANY layers of newspapers..haha..literally man..i think it took her abt 5 mins to get to the real stuff under all the newspapers. but it was fun! looking forward to the food trail nxt fri! yeah man! :))

sat..going to Ritz Carlton Hotel for buffet dinner! celebrating my uncle's bdae! it's his 60th big bash! i think i shld fast like erm starting frm now..and im seriously considering bringing tupperware there and mayb i shld wear some maternity clothes and stuff some food there..hahaha..
alrights cheers to a great weekend ahead!! and then it's another wk down before sch re-opens..which is going to totally suck.. :((

2007-09-19T21:27:00.000+08:00

it's been a long week even though it's only wednesday.
monday aftnoon was totally bad. started having fever, my head was so pain and heavy, everytime i lifted it up i felt like i blanked out for a millisecond, my back was hurting, and worst of all i was so breathless; cldnt even stand straight, for if i did i wld b more out of breath.
it's was like horrible beyond words. never ever felt like this in the longest time i can rmb.
went to c the doc in the evening..and found out tht i was suffering frm pre-asthmatic attack.
omg i almost fell out of my chair man. he also said my left lung is not functioning properly. how did it suddenly happen man? i rrly duno.
so i was given 5 days exemption from running.
and i tot wow tht is rrly long. by tuesday i shld b fine la right?
den today went to SGH to help out in their mass health screening. i was mostly doing the recording of height and weight, and occationally helped out in the push-up and step-up sections when the crowd became overwhelming. but while i was doing it halfway thru' i starting to break out in sweat and started feeling breathless wif some tightness around my stomach region..might b the diaphragm i rrly duno. so i had to like sit down was so worried i wld faint or smth. seriously bad. was trying hard not to show tht i was 'gasping' for air.
mahshimin: i rrly wanted to tke over yur station.. wanted to relieve u frm all those push-ups aft so many u did ytd during trg...but i din haf the confidence..and so i cld onli assist u sometimes.
but anyway today's SGH experience was quite rewarding nonetheless..i mean it's definitely helped us to build our confidence when dealing wif pple and so much more intangible things.
peigin: thanks for sharing stuff tht i tot were rrly personal. i appreciate this friendship tht we have.
anw might b gg to c the doc again on fri to get an update on my health status..dun wanna die halfway while rowing on sat. haha..but i might eventually not go for trg this weekend althogether cuz my parents are..worried?? haha..

*in everything, i give thanks to you. help me to accept tings tht come my way, whether good or bad, help me to trust more and not to question. and i pray for guidance in everything i
do. bless my family and frens. thank you Jesus. Amen*

2007-09-17T10:44:00.000+08:00

trainings r getting increasingly tiring these days. land trainings last tue and thurs was mostly sprinting. totally loathe sprinting. totally and utterly.
then sea trainings on sat and sun also sprinting. in the water though. 50 strokes sets and 350m sets. and ytd i was the pacer wif haslinda..gosh i was like super stressed. seriously hope i din let anyone dwn wif my performance. there's definitely alot of room for improvement.
coach is getting very impatient wif us..kept saying we're so soft as compared to the other polys..so demoralising..
it's definitely motivated me to train harder..and i hope it's had the same impact on the rest.
as nurul said..we r one heart, one soul, we must row as a team and want to win tgt.
i will definitely fight for a seat in the boat for the competition..i mean if eventually im not selected to go for the upcoming comp den wad's the pt in me gg 4 all the trgs now.
im going to put in my best for all the trgs.
nxt wk onwards trg will b 5 times a wk. God b wif me pls.

you r indeed a weird person. although it's been over a year alr but cldnt u at least sound more shocked or surprised? you're rrly a dummy. shant tok to you anymore since u aint interested.

ok man i rrly nid to get my clinical report done..due this fri..
super siannnn...

2007-09-10T21:26:00.000+08:00

chalet was FUN~ our fers stop was st james powerhouse..we went there like at 8 plus so we cld get in free..haha..happyhour ma..so cheapskate right..but oh wells hu cares..

we were like the fers few pple to to b there and we occupied the whole bar top..haha

anw it was boring in the beginning..u noe juz drinking..no one was dancing to the music..even aft the lifeband was playing no one was dancing..,

so we went to the different rooms to check out the atmosphere..

some of them were rrly weird..like the music was rrly nice but no one was rrly dancing..den there was another one which had techno music on which was so horrible and so many pple were dancing..lol.

anw b4 long we left for vivo..and on the way there we saw Allan Wu!! so handsome sia!! *drools* but we onli got to c his back view..sadz.haha

ok at vivo we bot some bottles of alcoholic drinks..i bot Klassic Q..it was nice...chilled at the seats at golden village..we were kind of making a fool of ourselves..quite la aft so much alcohol..some of them were playing soccer...tking lame pics..doing the line test to c if they cld walk straight..haha..and i wld say caryn was alr drunk man..she was lyin on the floor..in a dress!! can u believe it!! it was a bad idea we went back to st james to dance...

jac was also drunk..gosh!!

both of them were so high they were dancing like so hiong..haha..duno how to decribe sia..there's a video on them though..compliments frm qing..haha...and men were hooking on to them...so in the end tricia pulled us all out...and so we left st james ard 3 plus...

it was hard work getting caryn and jac to walk up the stairs..dwn escalators..to sit dwn..caryn was laughing at practically nth la..she can juz burst out laughing for no reason..and when jac and caryn saw each other they started laughing at each other.

both of them were the perfect patients for IMH manz..and they seemed to b suffering frm both emotional and receptive aphasia manz!!

ok in the hotel room..13 of us squeezed into 2 small beds and 2 mattresses which cldnt even b spread out fully becuz of the space contraint..so imagine how small the place was!! haha..anw woke up at ard 8 on sun..aft abt 3 hrs of sleep? haha..but we onli managed to get out of the room onli ard 11..aft everyone had bathed.

aftnoon was spent playing ultimate frisbee..which i realised was super tiring hafing to run on the sand..aft the fers 'goal' al of us were panting alr..haha..den played alittle volleyball..tht i chickened out halfway cuz it was too pain alr..haha...the remaining time was spent juz chilling out under a coconut tree and shimin actually tot caryn how to ride a bicycle in juz a few minutes!! congrats caryn!! :))

bbq time!!! food was great..crayfish yum yum!! and we played twister..gosh i felt like i was some elastic person wif my hands and legs entangled wif other pple's..and i almost had to stick my head under jocelyn's butt to rch my hand to the colour on the other side of the mat..great workout man!! was perspiring profusely aft the game..hahaha..

took alot of pics but dun tink there's enuf space here..shall post it on facebook..but here's a pic wif our class excluding shu ling, but including our dear emilie!!

2007-09-07T21:48:00.000+08:00

clinicals ended today.
mixed feelings i wld say.
glad tht i can finally breathe some fresh air. been stifled for far too long due to the intense pressures.
yet felt so nostalgic when the lift doors slammed shut in front of me. shutting out the familiar view completely. wondering to myself wen i'll b able to step back into tht place again.
wonderful memories. of fellow physiotherapists and of patients.
had presentation in sch this aftnoon.
interesting to hear experiences frm the rest. and i wld say in everything they were trying to illustrate abt their patients there was nv a lack of care and concern towards their patients in the words they used.
it's the same sentiment we all share i guess.
Bala said smth at the end of the presentation..which was at like 5.30..haha..tht quite struck me..
and it was tht healthcare professionals r always on stretchable time.
meaning if a patient is eating into yur personal time u have to give yur personal time to the patient. no qns asked.
in the real life..our patients will always b our top priority above all else..
in all honesty i nv tot abt it in tht way..but it's interesting..n very true.

on a lighter note..tml's chalet for our class!! rather excited i wld say..hopefully it'll b real chilling out and pure fun.
oh and tml's physiotherapy day..damn sian..gotta skip trg and go to sch AGAIN.
it's gonna b a longgg weekend..
i nid my sleeeep!! :))

2007-09-02T22:40:00.000+08:00

alright man!! final lap for attachment. one wk to go!!
but in all honesty i love the working environment, the pple there, the patients and most importantly the sense of satisfaction of getting patients better. i'll b sad wen all this ends albeit it's damn tiring.
well had a little chat wif my supervisor and touched on the hot topic..abt salary..hohoho
for starters wif a diploma salary will range frm $1800-$2200
aft getting a degree it might rise to at most $2500
den let's say aft 5 yrs of back-pricking work at most will onli increase to $3000
bonuses at most it's onli for 2 mths.
other firms like SIA the bonuses they give can b as much as 6 mths
by the time you pple hu r engineers or bankers or accountants working for 5 yrs yur pay will b abt $6000 lo..
how unfair isnt it? i mean i dun rrly get y the system is like tht.
you noe i mean as healthcare profesionals we risk our lives, our health to help others
and sometimes we rrly haf to humble ourselves and do the dirtiest of tasks
it's nt tht money shld b the factor for pple like us but it juz doesnt seem fair isnt it
i mean pple working in offices, wif high paying jobs when they fall ill they still come 'crawling' to us..how ironic isnt it..lol..
but well i guess as long as i can live comfortably it's alright.
and as long as im doing something tht helps me get out of bed each and everyday..and i dun haf to drag my feet 2 work..i feel tht shld b the essence of how we shld live our lives in future.
living it for God and spreading His love 2 those whom we help each day.

alright man db trg this wkend. one word: TOUGH
sat we rowed all the way to saigon bridge..which is past clark quay, Liang court, Swissotel, near miramar and holiday inn hotel...more then 5km continuous...n there's rowing back too..hahah
but we kana complained by HDB..lol.
so in the end today we rowed to barrage onli..we were timed and each time we broke our record!! yeah manz!! we even beat the guys 3 out of 4 times!! GIRL POWER!! :))
nxt 2 mths will b intensive trg..comp is early november..sighz..so soon
anw bot my new pair of running shoes..trg regime officially starts when clinicals end!!
i guess getting in shape is 4 my own good as well..ultimately health is wealth manz!!

*praying for God's direction in this new wk. end my clinicals wif style. do up good presentations and to realise tht it's alright im on my own cuz all i haf to do is trust in You. Jesus it's you alone tht i'll ever nid. Thank you for all the blessings tht i have. Amen*

2007-08-29T20:42:00.000+08:00

Day 3 of clinicals already!! it's quite fast leh..ahaha..
tiring and sometimes lonely cuz im alone..but im rather enjoying it..and im referring more 2 in-patient den out-patient
actually if u ask me why i also dun rrly noe y lehz..haha
but juz tht when my clinician says we're gg up to the wards i get quite happy..haha
but inside me la..i dun go screaming away..haha..professional hor..lol
anw today was quite interesting..followed a speech therapist today to the wards in Gleneagles den went to East shore hospital wif an occupational therapist..i wld say it's an off day frm physio..haha
and i aint sure wad got into me today..for one particular patient, hu was recovering frm stoke, while the ST was explaining to his wife some stuff pertaining to his treatment i was busy fighting back tears...
y was i so affected by this particular case..i duno why..mayb it's the way he was looking at the ST wen she was trying to feed him tht seemed so sad and helpless..n he's quite young...jus maybe
but i've seen worse cases like hafing half the brain removed due to cancer..and it was juz a teenager..i rmb feeling more scared den sad...
even ICU wasnt able to invoke in me such strong feelings in me..
this is rrly smth i nid to reflect on...
anyway at East Shore saw 2 patients..so quite slack..hahah:)
tml's my case presentation to my clinician..quite worried tht i might go out of pt and not fulfill wad she wans cuz she's been on-leave for one and a half days alr..din manage to c her and she onli gave me the topic YESTERDAY..wth right..hahah..oh wells juz hope for the best lor..
it's on liver transplant..rgding prognosis, surgery procedures etc
heard frm one of my fren she's doing on Parkinson's disease..interesting man..wld love to learn more abt it frm her..hehe
haiz..actually there's so much more i wanna include in this entry..abt ALL the patients i have seen and each of their conditions but it's gonna tke forever..n i guess it's not tht ethical to divulge too much of their info..shall keep it in my memory bank...
starting to appreciate my life and the lives of those ard me..seriously..we r so blessed manz...
looking at them suffering im rrly eternally thankful..
and it's particularly sad the families had to suffer such pain..treasure those we love while we can...they r God's creation for us..so precious and sweet!!

2007-08-27T21:13:00.000+08:00

oh my goodness this is so tiring.
fers day of clinicals and im alr drained. having a splitting headache manz.
wad started off as juz a boring morning turned into a hectic aftnoon.
morning was basically juz observing my clinician prescribe exercises and conducting them.
aftnoon we were rushing frm one ward to the nxt.
before each patient we had to put on gloves and mask..then aft tht had to wash hands.
seriously tedious.
and it's a waste of resources manz..at least for me la..cuz i have minimal contact wif the patients juz at most assist in their walking for those extremely big-sized ang mohs or for those rrly frail patients..
got the chance to visit the ICU.
it's rrly quite sad. everywhere u go u can hear machines beeping and when u look into the wards the patient is like wired to so many machines..it's like almost like a machine himself..
and they're all in pain just lying there fighting for their lives..it's like silent screams
but overall i wld say it's been a good experience for one day. hope 2 c more interesting ones in days to come. but i suspect it will more or less b follow-up cases frm today..yea..oh wells.haha
alrights doing research today on Fallot's tetralogy, electrical physical agents, bipolas hemiarthroplasty.
*tired tired TIRED*

2007-08-25T16:13:00.000+08:00

just back frm dragonboat sea trg. trainings r getting tough manz..today we rowed at least 5km i think..it's like frm pontoon to barrage( near the floating platform) to oasis suspension bridge then to shears bridge and then back to suspension bridge then to 5oom mark before making a u-turn back to pontoon.
gosh!! but tht's wif multiple rest periods where we switched boats and switched places.
but coach has warned us trgs gonna get tougher..we cld end up rowing all this distance without stopping at all very soon i tell you..
apparently competition's coming up pretty soon..ard 2 mths..regatta i tink..haiz..
i rrly nid to train up my stamina and biceps..cant afford to fall behind..or else i'll b dragging the whole team down. oH yes n there's standard charted marathon to train for as well..aiyo..sian leh
ANYWAY met amanda, christina and jiayi at the NTU db orientation juz now..haha
it's was so cool manz..
they were toking abt how fun hall life is altho it's very difficult to conc on studies cuz there's alot of distractions. hall activites bla bla..cuz they have to accumulate pts..
sadly they aint joining db at NTU cuz it's 4 times a wk..they dun think they can cope wif so many hall stuff gg on..
and sometimes it's quite sad im not part of the fun..like im stuck in nyp..but oh wells actually i cant c myself studying any of the courses there..i shld b contented la wait for my turn in 3 yrs time..hohoho :)

went to cut hair ytd wif peigin, su, and huey yen..haha..it was quite fun esp seeing su get her hair snipped off to shoulder length frm her thick long hair..haha..and we were there for more then 2 hrs lol!! ok den we had lunch at a nearby coffee shop before i made my way to gleneagles..timed it..and checked out the place..altogether frm my hse it tkes abt half an hr including bus n train..faster den i expected and the annexe block was juz facing the hospital and i tot i had to hunt high and low for the block..haha..anw the pple there sound rrly nice and caring..but i hope it isnt juz a fascade where they'll turn into monsters on mon..i jus hope i perform well..ans all their qns correctly...dun step on their toes..and b as professional as possible..i've gotto make the mark for this manz..good experience i cant waste it..Oh ya still got to prepare for presentation on last day of clnicals..got to travel all the way back to sch frm gleneagles sia..sianz..
and wad's worse since im doing my clinicals alone i'll have to prepare and present myself..gosh!!
and apparently jessica saw me..she happened to b on the bus tht passed by gleneagles and she saw me walking in..lol..so qiao lor..i tink she juz ended sch..when i saw her calling me i was like huh..haha!!!
huining: it's ok tht u were clumsy ytd cuz i almost tripped the steps on the overhead bridge outside gleneagles ytd as well..luckily no one ard me..otherwise damn malu sia..hahaha..oh ya n continue 2 jus endure yur work!! seriously it's gonna pass real soon!! :))

anw think i shld start revising abit for clinicals..GLENEAGLES HOSPITAL here i come!!
wish me the best, frens!!
PT2 pple: jiayou k!! we work hard for 2 wks then we can enjoy ourselves during the chalet! it'll b so interesting to hear all our experiences...all the best!!! :)

2007-08-22T17:06:00.000+08:00

im so sick and tired of myself.
was sitting at Miss Clarity Cafe wif my classmates this aftnoon waiting for our meals 2 cum when it suddenly dawned on me tht standing up frm sitting dwn is a drop in Blood Pressure!!
but in the test i actually answered rise in blood pressure.
my expression went for realisation to disbelieve to frustration to anger and den back to frustration and den disbelieve. how cld i let such a thing happen manz.
i juz let a B slip right out of my hands..i dun wanna fail..i rrly studied so hard for this leh!!
it's a freaking 20 mark essay qn for Christ's sake!
i rrly hate myself. i duno wad to do wif myself. i cant blame anyone.
i always let such things happen..wadz rong wif me!! every time cum out of a test surely got regret nv do smth...or do smth rong..
wad's worse this time is tht it's not tht i dun noe how to do leh!! how cld such a thing happen!!
i wanna cry!! i wanna shout out loud into space!! i wanna throw smth at someone!!
for me eating doesnt get rid of my pain..or anything else..the pain just continues to eat me up.......i tot this cld have been the turning pt tht i cld show my parents tt i cld do well and mke them proud..i rrly rrly put in my heart and soul and strived so so hard for this...this feeling sucks! damn right sucks manz!! everytime i think abt wad little i can do abt the matter the pain juz worsens. ARGHHH!!!!!!!!! im so disppointed in myself.

aside frm clinicals this sem is almost over. and looking back, wow, it's like almost 4 months juz passed like tht. reminiscing it wif my frens today on the surface it seemed like we so easily juz breezed thru it n now we're here, but actually trying to recall the journey it's rrly been one full of ups and downs..obstacles..trials and tribulations..it was a rough jouney. rrly experienced alot of things i nv did before in my life...
and i forsee so So much more 2 cum in the cuming sem and the following yrs.
but i wld say wif frens the going rrly gets easier. all the crazy jokes and stupid outburst laughters!! haha..

anw tonight's the premier of Grey's anatomy season 3!! yeaHHH!! like finally la..waited for so long liaoz!! and i was surprised almost all of you watched the other seasons also!! like i've actually had alot of difficulty finding pple hu shared my excitement abt the show..it's rrly an amazing show..haha
oh ya tricia we'll definitely set a day and all of us can have a Grey's anatomy marathon and finish watching everything!!! *excited*

*trying to find the peace inside of me*

2007-08-20T11:08:00.000+08:00

im rrly rrly worried manz for tml's kine paper. looking thru the past yr qns i rrly duno how to apply the things i noe. all the qns so problem-based..how?
crapping is one thing but having substance in the crap is althogether different.
howwww?
i dun wanna fail....*winning*..exasperated!! feel like breaking down...
but well i guess ultimately there's nth much i can do but juz know my knowledge well and hope for the best tml..
Jesus, i cannot do this on my own and so i pray for wisdom and a peace of mind leaving everything in Your hands. i wanna have complete trust in You. thank you Jesus. Amen.

2007-08-11T22:25:00.000+08:00

okie it's time to blog abt something more interesting. haha. it's abt my cousin who just went back ytd to msia aft staying over for one wk at my place.
interesting things abt his life:
1) he attnds international sch in msia. he has frens who give bdae gifts like baby-G watches. imagine how rich they are.
2) when he reaches home frm spore, his maid will spring clean every aspect of the house before he steps in.
3) he has 2 maids; one for cooking and the other for doing the usual household chores.
4) he doesnt go and eat at places without air-conditioning. like wen we go to msia to visit him we will go to restaurants in hotels and guess wad all the waiter and waitresses know him. imagine how often he patronises the places. and mind yu the hotels are like hyatt, hilton etc lehz.haha. in spore he always goes to mandarin hotel to eat.
5) he stands to inherit a huge sum of money wen he reaches 18. i think he's probably gg to b a millionaire at tht age. and it's in sing dollars and not in ringgit.
6) he is onli 11 years old now.

im sure he is so unaware of his wealth and im so envious!! how rich can a person be manz!! such trustfund thing, which u can onli claim wen u rch a certain age, i've onli heard it for those kids of hollywood stars!!haha..how sk..din noe it was even true in my family!! haiz im gonna have to slog so hard to rch my fers million manz...
anyway this is the life of my cousin. and yet our lives are so starkly different. it's sad. it's reality.

alrights back to serious stuff..
a twist of events has seen me trsfed to GLENEAGLES hospital. haha. quite glad abt it. but the dwnside is tht they haf posted onli me there. will b lonely and quite scary. but oH wells by God's grace i will pull thru.
anat paper this fri. den physio and kine the following wk.
quite sian nxt sat still got PaddlesbytheBay..some post ndp event...
it's going to b a real test for me to juggle everything.
wish me the best(:
shall get back to studying.

2007-08-04T21:53:00.000+08:00

wad m i doing here manz!! shld b mugging and studying now..haha
i feel tis is so much worse then A levels..the amt of stress and everything..
shldnt poly life b slacker? dun understand.
kine and socio tests next!! gosh..
my posts are getting boring isnt it? i also think so..haha..
but my life is getting kind of lidat as well..it's been reduced to studying..studying..db..studying..
aiyo..can anyone feel my pain??

anyway my clinical posting will b to st joseph's home...at fers i was like y gimme such an ulu place..y not hospital!! i wanted hospital so badly...
but aft toking to several pple...i've truly gained new insights..like how it's actually a very enriching experience to tke part in community-based rehab...
and truly thinking abt it..i realise i'll nv noe wad i'll stand to gain if i opt 2 ask for a change...
experiences gained frm hospitals r very different frm such old folks homes..and more so since it's a catholic home!!
i guess God doesnt always give us wad we want..but it's rong to doubt His plan for us.
and i was blinded to tht during tht period when i fers got to noe i was posted there when most of my frens r gg to hospitals..
but now i see and realise tht God wans me to walk off the beaten track and to trust in Him tht he has smth amazing planned...trust and pray..

planning for hols alr..3 more wks to go..yeah manz..
one and a half months of freeeedommm!!
fers and foremost im gonna finish the Grey's anatomy season 3!! woOhOo!!
no hmwk during hols!!
but before any of tht happens..got to study real hard..otherwise fail nid to come back for sub papers...will spoil my holidays...
PERSERVERE!! :)))

2007-08-01T17:27:00.000+08:00

tmr..anat pract!! just great..lol..and wad's worse our class no choice got to tke the 3.30pm slot cuz Dr Tan refuses to start out tut earlier so we can end earlier and tke the test at 11..juz dun get his logic..i mean we r starting his lesson at 8.30am anyway and we always finish by ard ten plus 11 even wif his slacking..so juz cut dwn his slacking la for 1 day also cannot..irritating..lazy teacher!! this means we haf so little time to study for SHS test on fri..n i havent even started on it yet..haiz..juz hope i can at least scrape a pass..i dun rrly care abt such mindless tests..haha..

anyway tml anat rrly hope i can do reasonably well..as long as the information STOPS leaking out of my head..haha..and i dun blank out in the lab...i've studied long and hard for anat manz..*crossing my fingers* tht everythin will go fine...

this fri..relatives frm msia cuming over 2 my hse to stay for abt a wk or so...which is going to make my studying all the more difficult wif the commotion in my hse..nxt wk is another sian wk..kine pract and socio papers!! bia-ing wkend again...so looking forward 2 national day!! i nid a break manz!!! it's rrly tiring.

oh wells but God has been faithful and good to me!! indeed His amazing love endures forever!! it's so true tht during the most trying times His presence is felt the most. to all of you reading this may God bless you abundantly..wif Him nth is impossible!! yeah!! (=

....and now it's back to anat... :(